a beard and a rifle

i'm back

2011-11-20T23:42:00.000-08:00

i have volumes to write, but i'm probably not going to do that. i'm just going to tell you about the time that i went to instacare last week because my throat was seizing up. someone once told me that my arteries were going to seize up because i eat a lot of buttery foods. i assured them that the butter was a blood lubricant which actually made my heart run more efficiently.

the woman working at the front desk made me put on a SARS mask, even though i've never been to china. i asked her if she'd also put one on so that i wouldn't get any more sick, but instead of doing that she just blank stared me until i walked away.

i don't love going to the doctor's office, because i hate hearing bad news. however, when i was called back, the murse seemed extremely capable and inspired me with confidence.

murse: "let's take your temperature (puts the thermometer in my rec - in my ear). 95.1 degrees ... hmmmm ... that can't be right. you'd be dead."

me: (shrug) "i assure you, i'm very much alive."

murse: "let's try it again (puts thermometer in my ear). 95.1 degrees. well, ok."

that was it. no clarification. then he told me i had high blood pressure, and i told him that it's probably because he just told me that i was dead, even though i didn't think i was. and i continue to feel that i am not.

the doctor came in and told me i didn't have strep, that he didn't know what it was, and that if it still hurt in 3 or 4 days to take some antibiotics which he prescribed me.

between the murse's ineptitude and my doctor's apparent lack of knowledge, i was disappointed. that is, until i realized that i had the privilege of paying $158 for services rendered.

i've healed as of this post. my throat no longer silently screams at me when i swallow food/DP, and i was even able to go on a blind date last night. i doubled with a buddy and his wife, and thought that the evening went really well. that is, until dinner finished, we got to the parking lot, started our separate ways to our separate cars, and she said to to my friends "it was really nice meeting you. have a nice rest of your life."

radness

2011-05-04T13:31:00.001-07:00

dear folks, this is going to be my last post for a while. i'm keeping the blog but have some other stuff coming up in the near future which is gonna take away my attention. i am, however, gonna try and find some people to guest post on a broad range of topics to include: woodworking, hand-to-hand combat, the philosophy of law, and steak.

life's been pretty busy the past couple weeks. for one of my finals, my buddy blair and i had to conduct a full trial down at the state courthouse. we got all gussied up and absolutely destroyed the competition. well, except that we lost the case. as my dad (who attended) so eloquently put it: "winning isn't everything. well, except when you go to trial."

the only reason i can come up with as to our loss is that fact that the jurors were biased against handsome, eloquent, and very charming men.

the rest of my finals have been going fairly well, though i never really know how well they've gone until my professors release my grades into the wild. my last exam is tomorrow morning, after which time i plan on doing absolutely nothing - which is similar to what i've been doing in preparation for my last exam.

harriet susan jones joined my sister's family last week, and she's as cute as a button. as i've said before, kelly calls her "hattie" but i call her "hairy." and for that, kelly calls me "an idiot."

hairy's doing well and i'm excited that once school is over i can go down and get to know her better.

yesterday was one of the most deliciously awesome days of my entire life. in the morning, i slept. i slept a lot. when i woke up, i went shooting. i shot a lot. a post-shooting round count showed that blair and i discharged over 650 rounds of ammunition over the course of several hours. it was magnificent and my big bald head got burned. i took pictures and wrote a haiku about shooting.

"shooting"
i did go shooting
i shot a lot of ammo
so did that guy blair

after i went shooting, i took a shower and met up with jeph and brry to go to the Coheed & Cambria concert. it was phenomenal. it was so phenomenal that it made my beard grow twice as fast as normal. it was so phenomenal that i hope to continue the hearing loss i'm currently experiencing, just so i can be reminded of how phenomenal it was. this is me pre-show (i was smiling on the inside):

the concert was part of their Neverender Tour. they played a bunch of songs acoustically, then their entire Second Stage Turbine Blade album from start to finish, and then a bunch of songs afterward. they rocked hard, brry got hit in the head with a shoe, and we went to denny's for chicken fried steak afterward.

that's it. rock on, readers.

hairy, everyone. everyone, hairy.

2011-04-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

she arrived a few days ago, and finally got a name yesterday: harriet susan jones. i told kelly that i was gonna call her "hairy" whether or not she was named "harriet," but "luckily" now her "nickname makes sense." i "love" "quotation marks."""""""""

she's really cute. i was going to try and take a bite of her cheeks, but the nurse threatened to go all Shaking Grown-Up Syndrome on me, so i ceased. for now.

this is now my sister's entire brood:

she's so hot that i had to write a song about how hot she is

2011-04-25T10:33:00.001-07:00

when i transferred to the U, i was pleased to find that the law school has its fair share of talent. however, one beautiful baby in particular stood out to me. i've never met her, and we've never spoken, but she's such a babe that i found it necessary to write a song about her.

so this is for you, The Hot Girl. thank you for being so hot.

typical monday night

2011-04-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

just sitting around looking distinguished following my dinner with Chief Justice Roberts (of the United States Supreme Court), the Lt. Governor of Utah, and the Utah Attorney General.

bobby and liv and guns and pizza and tummyaches

2011-03-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

bobby and liv are here right now to hang out for a couple of days. liv stuck to her MO the entire drive down and tried to swallow her arm. luckily her fingers and effort were in the way.

i recently acquired some new toys, so bobby and jeph and i took them out to the range to ensure their combat effectiveness. they were very effective in our combat against boulders and clay pigeons.

following our 300+ meter tests with the new weaponry, we headed over to the local pizza buffet for tummy aches and indigestion. kelly and sue and chip and boobie and liv and andy joined us.

kamo klompen

2011-03-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

when i went to the netherlands last summer, i brought back stuff (not including the extra 10 pounds on my tummy) for a couple friends. some of those stuffs were unpainted klompen (wooden shoes) which i had planned to paint with my friend courtney. see, courtney is an amazing artist studying at a prestigious academy, and i figured that she could help me make my klompen awesome.

she did.

we were supposed to paint our respective wooden shoes together, but i'm not good at "following through" or "making plans" or "maintaining friendships," so dear courtney took the initiative (since i dropped the initiative for...oh...8 months) and painted my pair.

that's right. kamo klompen for kme. how awesome is that? (hint: very awesome)

goed gedaan, courtney. je bent een schat!

i have a new girlfriend

2011-03-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

and her name is beautiful

i do things and sometimes i have pictures to prove it

2011-03-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

things are pretty busy right now, so naturally i should ignore the tasks at hand and do something of little consequence - like update my blog.

my buddy blair and i accidentally advanced to the semi-finals of our moot court competition. despite our best attempt at mediocrity, we successfully made it to the next round. this is good (because it'll look sharp on my resume) but bad (because i won't be able to sleep in this saturday). for those that don't know, moot court is a law school competition in which students get up in front of a panel of mock judges and pretend to be really smart. my mom always said that i'm a bad liar, but apparently i've proved otherwise.

boobie had her first birthday and ate it, along with an entire cake. seriously. look at her chubby little everything.

it's so nice to be back in utah. i love that i get to see boobie and chip, and do stuff with them on a regular basis. in fact, chiP and i went to lunch the other day after i took him duck hunting.

i'm also lucky that since i've moved back to utah, jeph, jen, and will have also moved here. the last time i hung out with will, he mostly just wanted to watch youtube videos of automobiles proceeding through car washes. if you can name one thing sweeter than that, i won't punch you in the liver.

and lastly, my pappy and i went to a jazz game a couple weeks ago. in fact, it was when they played the bulls, and it turned out to be Jerry Sloan's last game as head coach. little did i know he was waiting for us to go to a game so that he could call his career complete and move on to the next phase of his life. RIP, J-Slo.

i'm so freaking famous

2011-02-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

the salt lake tribune basically did a human interest piece on me

mentally deficient and/or homeless

2011-01-24T08:20:00.000-08:00

winter is my favorite season, because it's cold and i get three weeks off of school. but winter, like everything else in life, creates certain problems. luckily for me, every problem has a solution - except for those problems which aren't solvable (like "why is DP so delicious?" and "why won't that weird rash go away?"). but sometimes solutions create problems, which in turn, need solutions. so here are my problems. and solutions. and a couple of pictures. as well as some white space to help organize my thoughts.

problem: it gets cold during the winter months.
solution: i was born with a heavy body-sweater covering my entire body, which pretty much mitigates this one. especially on my upper back, where the hair flourishes like the salmon at capistrano.

problem: my body-sweater makes me a body sweater.
solution: i wear shorts during the winter to help cool off. wait, i left a preposition at the end of that sentence. i think the proper way to phrase that first sentence is to say: "i wear shorts during the winter off to which i be my body cooling." yeah, that sounds much better.

problem: my feet get cold when i wear shorts, cuz the cold air more easily accesses my feet.
solution: i wear my Sorels with my shorts (and look really good while doing so).

problem: while looking really good with my Sorels and shorts, people such as my mother tell me that i look like i'm mentally deficient and/or homeless
solution: hold boobie and just hope that people notice her instead of me.

p.s. the night this picture was taken, kelly hadn't dressed boobie in winter clothes. she had simply thrown a hat on her, and wrapped her in several layers of blankets. so my homeless image wasn't helped as i pushed a heavily blanket-wrapped infant around in a shopping cart. but holy crap she's the cutest little homeless-looking baby ever.

i don't have a clever title for this post

2011-01-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

i'm at the end of my second week of the new semester, but somehow i'm already almost a month behind. my classes are all pretty interesting, and i signed up with a buddy for moot court and trial advocacy. both of those classes culminate in "trials" where we have to deliver oral arguments to a judge. this is perfect for me right now, because it's been a while since i've looked like an idiot in front of someone important.

i get to babysit chiP and boobie tonight. for Christmas i gave kelly and kelly's nate movie tickets and a coupon to babysit. i thought that they knew gifts like that take - at a minimum - six months to vest. but they got off on a technicality (in that i don't have anything to do this evening). and really, who WOULDN'T want to watch these two?

i just hope that the frontyard hose makes it into the kitchen in case i have to "change diapers."

in closing...i was talking with someone a while ago and said "you know how sometimes you're laying in your bed, on your side, and it's uncomfortable, but you're too lazy to roll over to the other side to get comfy?" i was met with raised eyebrows and an awkward silence. it was then that i realized i might be only person who knows that.

until next time, fair reader, i bid you a doo. nay, i bid you two doos.

my run-in with the law

2010-11-28T20:26:00.001-08:00

about a month ago, i went to my evidence class as per usual. when i got to the room, it was swarming with US Marshals and dudes in suits. my evidence professor is a judge, so i thought that either someone had threatened him in some way, or the marshals were there to pick me up for looking so good that it broke some federal law.

when i got to the door, one of the marshals had a roll for our class, and next to each person's name was their picture. the guy asked me my name, i told him, and when he found my name/picture, he said, "i'm going to draw hair on your picture," and then he proceeded to do so. i thought "i'm gonna punch you in the throat," but just said "ok" and walked into class.

once everyone was there, including The Hot Girl, the professor explained that he wanted to show all of us an in limine hearing (where opposing sides of a lawsuit meet so the judge can determine what evidence is admissible). he said it was too hard to get everyone down to the courthouse, so he brought the courthouse to us. sure enough, the stenographer, clerks, US Attorneys, and even the actual defendant (in handcuffs) and his counsel were there - along with the US Marshals. i had hoped that Raylan Givens would show up, but he didn't.

the judge explained what was going to happen, and before we began, he gave the head US Marshal the floor to explain a few things. i had seen this guy and a couple of his comrades eyeballing me as the judge was telling us what was going on. i figured it was because i was the best-looking person in the room, but it might have also been the beard, shaved head, tattoos, and stickers on the back of my computer:

so the marshal got up and explained that he and his coworkers were indeed US Marshals, that the guns they had were real, and that if we reached into our bags or made any strange movements, they would respond according to their training. at that point, this marshal looked at me directly and said, "and i've got my eyes on you, guy with the My Other Auto Is A .45 sticker." everyone laughed, except my beard, who growled and tried to get me to pop the guy in the nose.

after the hearing, the marshal (who had sat directly behind me for the duration) came up, apologized, and said that he just couldn't help himself when he saw the sticker. he shook my hand and gave me this:

that's right, i am now in possession of an official US Marshals lapel pin. and while i don't have my JD yet, i'm fairly certain that by giving me this, he deputized me and i'm entitled to all the rights and responsibilities of a US Marshal. giddy up.

egg droppings

2010-11-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

a couple weeks ago we went to brooklyn's school to watch her class do an egg-drop. for those of you not familiar with this, it involves dropping eggs.

the kids all packaged up an egg in different types of soft materials, and then a teacher tossed their work off the roof to see if it would hold up to a speedy impact with Mother Earth.

i'm glad that our schools are teaching our children useful lessons that will prepare them for real life. not only did they discover how to securely package eggs (which will be handy for those that are able to break into utah's highly praised egg-packaging industry), but they learned that it's ok to climb up onto the roof as long as you're gonna throw something off.

brooklyn's survived the fall (of course).

boobie was kind of lazy during the whole thing and just sat around being chubby. she didn't cheer, she didn't scream, and she didn't even bother to clap when brooklyn was up. i swear, all that kid does is eat and sleep. and look super duper cute.

chiP and boobie

2010-10-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

i'm being seriously when i say that there is nothing cuter than these two monkeys.

i got to babysit chiP today for a couple hours while kelly was doing something that was more important than being with her kids. we went to costco for pizza, and on the way there he kept saying "i need costco pizza. i NEED costco pizza." he loved it, and also ate half of my churro.

after lunch we went to andy's office, where chiP trick-or-trat amongst the offices. he didn't have on his costume (a spider, which is what he's gonna don tomorrow), but he was wearing an adidas track suit so i just told people he was dressed as half of Run DMC.

i took him home, where he proudly told his mom "candy. candy. candy. candy." his jacket had pockets, as did his pants, and his brain was moving so quickly at the prospect of immediate sugar that he couldn't locate said candy. we finally got it out of the jacket, and he began to consume it as if it was the last act on earth he was ever going to perform. he was halfway into a lemon tootsie roll when he ran across the room, climbed onto my lap, and tried to share with me the slobber-encased remains of what was left. i politely declined, but thanked him for his offer. it was really cute, but mostly kind of gross.

and i got to see boobie, who is just getting cuter and cuter urry day. kbye.

all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

2010-10-19T17:16:00.001-07:00

i've always countered potential DP theft with the threat of violence.

my favorite person drawing a picture of my second favorite person

2010-10-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

there is nothing i enjoy more than sitting for a portrait session with brooklyn. we were at my dad's office, waiting for him and my mom to figure out their new iFones, and brooklyn decided to draw me. at one point she had "sparklies" on my cranium, which were to show how the light reflected off the top of my head. unfortunately they didn't make the cut.

as my artist friend courtney stated, "[brooklyn] achieved an incredible likeness." note the phenomenal beard, balding head, and ginormous lips.

take my hand, and take it slow

2010-10-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

the band is Rhetoric Tuesday. the track is Rome Tomorrow. the water coming out of your face is a Giant Tear of Joy from hearing such beautiful music.

write a letter to me every day
and in the usual way
tell me everything will be alright
tell me everything's alright

ramblin' man

2010-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

the only thing better than flying to denver is driving to denver with my lawyer, sean, and his three year old triplets. so that's what i did. i had only hung out with the triplets once or twice in the past several months, so it was fun to get to know them. it was also fun for them to get to know me, except that they never really figured out who i was. at first they called me corey, then cody, then cordy, then jordy, and by the time we pulled into denver, they were asking their dad "who's that guy?"

the best part of the trip was when Lindsay smacked Alex on the forehead with her sippy cup, and he screamed for an hour. the first 30 minutes were him just crying, and the last 30 minutes were him screaming "I WAAAAANNNTTT TOOOOO DRRRRIIIIVVVVVE." the second best part of the trip was when sean and alex switched seats so that alex could captain the escalade for the last few hours.

they threw their hands up and yelled when we rolled through a tunnel. they then decided that every overpass was a tunnel, so there was a lot of handsing upping and yelling.

yesterday we went to a couple of jeph's nephews' soccer games, where i sat and jeph hollered. please note the inherent awesomeness of jeph's Girl's Camp t-shirt which reads "Ewe Make The Difference."

after dinner, jeph's niece mallory and i ~~huffed~~ ate a bunch of whipped cream straight from the can. it was delicious, and i chased it with half a dozen donuts.

and that's all for now.

tonight, i've got a question for you

2010-10-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

i had my first law-related interview yesterday, and several people have asked me how it went. and, like always, by "several people" i mean "my mom."

it's hard for me to step outside of the situation and determine whether or not it was a success. with that in mind, i'd like you to let me know how YOU think it went, in light of the following statement i made to one of the senior partners of the firm. and i quote (myself):

"well, if you pull out someone's fingernails one by one, they're going to tell you anything you want to hear."

it's as if my stuff was a victim of Bad Touch

2010-10-07T22:04:00.001-07:00

turns out the dudes who live above me are not good at not flooding my bathroom with water from their washing machine. the maintenance dude was supposed to come over this afternoon (since i was supposed to be out of town [but ended up postponing my trip for a day]) to fix everything and patch up some holes, but he ended up coming over earlier in the day. i didn't know that, but figured it out when i came home from school and the cave smelled like maintenance had been conducted.

i went into the bathroom to see what he had done, and this is what i saw:

normal, right? he thought i was gonna be gone for the weekend, so he left his tools out, presumably to pick up in a day or two (probably when the spackle had dried and he could check on everything). so he left his big putty tool, his little putty tool, a little tub of spackle, and...a knife from my silverware? WTF?

that's right, reader (see: mom). he apparently needed something with which to stir his spackle, and decided that rifling through my drawers to find a dinner knife was the best idea of all the ideas which were his ideas. i was first annoyed, then kind of mad at his unprofessionalism, and then kind of creeped out that he was going through my stuff. i mean, did he go through all my drawers? try on my clothes? find that Jonas Brothers poster i have hidden in the closet? listen to my Celine Dion collection?

so i took pictures, conducted silverware comparisons to make sure i was correct (i was), and wrote a statement to give to my landlady. i felt like atticus finch, except instead of being a dapper southern lawyer defending the innocence of a persecuted minority - all while racing two precocious children who were preoccupied with a foreboding gentleman that ended up just being Robert Duvall, i was getting spun up about a dude using my knife.

i figured the best way to deal with this was to be APAAP (as passive aggressive as possible), so i did this:

i'm so freaking outdoorsy

2010-10-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

ok, so maybe not. but this summer i decided that i needed to get out of the temperature-controlled house at least one time, so i went floating down the Provo River with some friends.

after putting on a beard, hat, sunglasses, rashguard, and 3.2 gallons of SPF one billion, i...sat. and floated. it was fun.

hallelujah

2010-10-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

tonight was the first time it cooled off enough to warrant me wearing my new klompen slippers. well, until i put them on and my feet started sweating and i had to take them off.

i got older in september

2010-10-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

i heard about the band Bløf when i was on my mission, and thanks to ~~peer-to-peer technology~~ iTunes, i was able to find a lot of their stuff. Adam Duritz, the lead singer of Counting Crows, is singing the english lyrics in this one. the song is called Wennen Aan September, and it means something in dutch.

i considered translating the dutch lyrics into english, but the meaning and your attention would be lost because my dutch is bad and my english that is translated from dutch is even worse.

The color of anything, is buried underneath the the smell of sunlight
And the moon that lies beneath
Hides the bitter truth
That drowning in a bed of blooms, is better than the lies
That slide from singers and the songs that slip their teeth

All the summer's falling down,
and the sun is on the ground
Falling upon a pile of photographs,
And the days flame out.
In the dark among the ashes
On this calender-go-round
I got older in September
And there's no way out

Autumn's coming down, around
The leaves are blowing eastward into town
All your life you had the things you lose
The things you keep, the things you wish you'd never left behind

And the summer's falling down
And her heart is on the ground
A breath of wind among the photographs
And the days fade out
In the dark among the endings
On this calender-go-round
Heading west into September

And the lights go down
And the lights go down

cartoonies

2010-10-02T13:25:00.001-07:00

i was going through some files from my old website and found this stuff. it made me happy, because i was reminded of the good 'ole days, back when i wasn't fat and in law school.

well, i wasn't in law school.

old-school chip

2010-08-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

the kid is only two, but i still miss the good 'ole days when he would scowl at your every move.

hup, holland, hup

2010-08-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

for Christmas, my pappy turned in a couple bajillion frequent flier miles and got me a ticket to head to the netherlands (NL). NL had been in the midst of a 7 year corey famine, and so i triumphantly returned to balance out the force and create a vaguely interpretable metaphor. i was only gone for 10 days, and i had to travel across the country three times (from west to east, east to north, and north to southwest) in order to see everyone, so i only had a few days in each place. my first stop was to see Dadash and Samir. Dadash looked the same, but Samir had grown from a kid to a regular-sized dude. we sipped tea, watched Animal Planet, and discussed socio-political historical events and the movie Groundhog's Day. it wasn't until waiting for my train out of there that i purchased my first dutch goodies: luikse waffels, stroopwaffels, and DP. the Trifecta of Deliciousness.

my next stop was to see my friends henneke and lambert. i was only there for a day, but was able to also visit an elderly friend, the first thing of which she said to me was "you're more bald than the last time i saw you." unfortunately i didn't get any pictures of these folks, so here's a picture of something delicious which i shall post in their honor.

i made my way up north to visit my buddy ferdi, who is not only an incredible chef, but also someone who quickly noticed the lack of hair on my head. he worked until the evening, so the full day that i was there i walked around the city and managed to find the old apartment where i used to live (8 years ago). i didn't knock on the door to see if the missionaries still live there, but since there were HUGE weeds in front of their door and none in front of the neighbors, i figured that it must still be elders occupying the premises.

the last stop was to see my favorite family in all of NL. the two older kids, peter and solveigh, looked exactly the same, but the two younger ones, noer and borkan, had magically turned into little adults. not like midgets or gary coleman or anything; they were just all grown up. i also got to meet peter's wife (galina) and adorable little girl (isis).

the only real sightseeing i did on the trip was to go with karin, solveigh, and noer to delft. delft is an old city which is famous for their blue pottery. delft also recently became famous for me having visited it. we took a boat tour and i learned interesting facts like how the people there used to be taxed according to the number of windows they had on the front of their house; that students throw their bikes into the canal upon graduating; and that the guy directing the boat tour spoke as if he had a potato in his mouth, and i therefore only understood his dutch well enough to learn that people there used to be taxed according to the number of windows they had on the front of their house and that students throw their bikes into the canal upon graduating.

we took a tour of the old church (built in the 1200s) and the new church (built in the 1400s), and noer flipped me off in a picture and i was gonna post it here but this is a family website.

my favorite towelhead

2010-08-03T18:04:00.001-07:00

the chubbiest little strawberry ever

2010-07-16T00:40:00.001-07:00

i am evolution

2010-07-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

i concluded my trip to denver with some dental work provided by jeph's brother, dub. dub cleaned my teeth, fixed two cavities (no bad considering how long it had been since i made it to the dentist), and i'm pretty sure he bonded two of my teeth together. for those of you who don't know dub, he loves making uncomfortable jokes and engaging in inappropriate corey-touching. there was little of both during the trip, and i think he made up for it by creating one tooth where there had been twain. i only think this because i tried to floss, and the floss kept breaking before it would go in between the two teeth in the back which he fixed. if it wasn't dub's fault, perhaps my teeth just have a natural resistance to floss. perhaps i am...evolution.

denver

2010-06-21T22:27:00.001-07:00

one of the things i like about coming to colorado is that the sunsets here look like nuclear detonations.

but something i like even more than blowing up stuff with hydrogen bombs is this little guy. he constantly walks up to me, delivers the classic Blank Stare his phather taught him, and says "hi corey." five or six times an hour. "hi corey." i say hi and then he either drools or asks for olives. so sweet.

aerodynamics

2010-06-14T21:43:00.001-07:00

robby, aiden, and hunter are faster than ever before

augerrific

2010-06-08T10:30:00.001-07:00

i'm helping my pops build a chicken coop and garden area for my moms (it all has to be fenced in to protect it from the deer, coyotes, cougars, and mountain men), and the best part of it was when he said, "this is why we made sure you went to college."

logical? no. free labor? yes.

my heart is not pure, but apparently i do have the strength of 10 men

2010-05-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

while my beard didn't provide me with the power to slay an entire army with a donkey's jawbone, it did give me the strengh to double-handedly break the c-clamp of my new vice in twain.

i'm sure the energy provided by my nightly bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream - topped with a fistful of marshmallows - helped.

75%

2010-05-31T21:25:00.000-07:00

the better three out of four gents in this picture served (or currently serve) in the armed forces. i was gonna photoshop the pic to include my mom, grandfathers, uncles, and cousin (who have served or currently serve), but it would have been too crowded and uncomfortable for everyone involved. so today, i tip my hat to all of those protecting our interests near and far, and take a moment to remember those who laid down their lives.

the devil's huggin on my boots, that's why i own a gun

2010-05-31T02:33:00.001-07:00

screwing the pooch

2010-05-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

i like to pull my blog titles from things that are going on in the pictures i post, but i figured that this one would be better left to text. it's 3:22am, and i just finished doing some work work. i'm not sure how, but i totally messed up a project, and i feel like an idiot. i'm not particularly looking forward to self-loathing cuddling with me until i fall asleep tonight.

i started clerking with a public defender earlier this week, and it's really interesting to see the inner workings of criminal court. it is also interesting to see a ranting, raving inmate fire his public defender using no less than every single curse word ever created by man, including references to male genitalia, defecation, and certain acts that are still illegal in most of the southern states.

on an unrelated note, i found a picture of me and booby from when i first moved back. and don't fret, readers, the beard is even longer now.

it may be raining in baltimore, but it's snowing in utah

2010-05-24T07:40:00.001-07:00

suck it, spokane. you couldn't produce late may snowfall if your life depended on it. utah did it today because it was bored.

keep your secrets in the dark

2010-05-24T01:47:00.000-07:00

coheed's newest album came out earlier this month, and it kicks everything everywhere in every part of the body. here's their newest video:

little 'uns

2010-05-24T01:30:00.001-07:00

on the way to utah from washington, i stopped in idaho at my brother's place for a family party celebrating the births and non-deaths of both my brother and my father. here are some pics of my handsome little nephews and nieceses.

home again, home again

2010-05-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

the DAY that i got home to utah, my mom was so excited to have me back that she decided to catch a flight to singapore to hang out with my dad, who is there on business. and by "on business," i mean that he's there on business. murphy has kept me company, and basically for the past week we've just been sleeping 15-18 hours per day.

usually murphy sleeps in his "office," which is the mud room in between the kitchen and the garage. however, the night i got back i decided to let him stay in the room with me. this lasted one half of one night, as he decided to play a practical joke by hotboxing me without warning. it was a successful ambush on his part, but unfortunately for him he is now relegated to his office, where he can fart to his colon's intent (get it? i said "colon's intent" instead of "heart's intent," because he doesn't fart through his heart. i made a play on words. well, not really a play on words. it was mostly just words that i typed to make a sentence.).

earlier this week i went with chip, ruby, and kelly to brooklyn's 4th grade graduation presentation thingamajig. and yes, they actually thingamajigged. it was a presentation on utah, so brooklyn got all gussied up in her casual pioneer wear, and did a great job with her part in the program. after it was over, she and all her classmates went to their respective dioramas to answer questions.

though it was very interesting learning the things brooklyn taught me about sevier county, utah, the highlight of the trip was hearing chiP. the kid was blabbering away the whole time, and he can finally say my name. well, he says "cooooo-ey," which i assume is a reference to me, and not Duane E. Couey, a former leader of the RLDS church.

chiP's names for people are just all around awesome. he calls ruby "booby," and for whatever reason, he calls brookyn "pinky." speaking of booby, here she is.

please look at me

2010-05-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

there's nothing really funny or clever about this picture or this caption. i just wanted everyone to see how good my beard looks right now.

integrity shminshmegrity

2010-05-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

dear person who smashed into the rear of my new car sometime between saturday evening and monday morning and didn't bother leaving a note or any contact information,

i'm going to hunt you down like a dog.

disdain,

me

chiP and ruby

2010-05-05T22:15:00.001-07:00

people always talk about how cute their nieces and nephews are. and i think, subjectively, those people are right. their kids are, according to grossly lowered standards, cute. but check out these two. it's like someone shot them with a cute gun and then poured inappropriate amounts of cute all over their heads. they're so cute it makes me want to throw up.

your mom has nothing to do with this post, but i wanted to mention her anyway

2010-05-02T12:46:00.001-07:00

for whatever reason, once finals roll around, i seem to have all kinds of stuff to tell both of my readers. because i'm studying too much (read: playing video games and watching lots of Hulu), i rarely have time to sit down and just write. this will be sporadic at best, and totally incomprehensible at better.

MIA - if you haven't seen her new video for the song "born free," you haven't missed much. she somehow tried to make a political statement by showing naked fat people and gingers being round up by the police. the only thing alarming to me in the video was the naked fat people. i feel like our government should have started rounding up gingers a long time ago. (**video is graphic, btw**)

tricky sticks - around 9pm last night, me and my two study buddies decided to get some tricky sticks from pizza pipeline (despite all of the rhyming and alliteration that was going on). they were delicious and ultimately gave all three of us a tummy ache. after we went back into our study room to read, anne stated that she had been "tricky stuck," and that it was time to go home. today i tried to convince her that we should get tricky stuck again, but she declined. i told her that the choices we make define us, and that this would be a good choice. i was wrong, however, as the choice would not have been good, and would only have defined how many notches from its original position my belt would have to be loosened to. and yes, i just ended a sentence with a preposition at.

car - i bought a new car yesterday. she's a 2008 toyota corolla s, and after about 2 hours of ownership i began to notice the subtle, sickly smell of smoke emanating from the cabin. my buddy todd actually noticed it and pointed it out to me, so thank you to both new car and todd for ruining my day (note: todd further ruined my day by saying "your car is nice, just like the other corollas that are being driven around exclusively by high school girls"). tomorrow i'm headed to the dealership to complain, demand that they fix the smell or give me a different car, and then promptly back down because i'm not very good at confrontation.

we all need a place where we can go

2010-05-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

and feel over the rainbow

solving problems

2010-04-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

my torts professor once said that shooting someone was an "alternate form of dispute resolution." between that statement and his mustache, he was my favorite professor last semester.

i don't ♥ polygamists

2010-04-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

my life is slowly spiraling out of control as i face law school finals, a big project at work, a move back home to utah for the summer, and double stuf oreos no longer being 2/$5 at my grocery store. with all of this going on, i figured i should take some time to do something completely worthless. so here i am.

i went to denver in february to attend the funeral of jeph's dad. i never really got to know jeph's dad very well, but i did have the occasion once to spend a lovely evening with him, talking about religion, musing on philosophy, and watching Rambo: First Blood.

the circumstances which brought me to denver cast a shadow over the weekend, but i still had the chance to meet up with old friends and take this picture of a polygamist.

the diagrammed photo above shows jeph's uncle (P), who is a polygamist. he has many wives (W1, W2, W3, maybe more) and looks a little bit like Jack Kevorkian. i've never really known a polygamist, and frankly, they scare the hell out of me. i think that it's because i'm intimidated by a man who can convince four different women to marry him AT THE SAME TIME. i mean, what if i became his friend? what would he be capable of convincing me to do? "yes, i'd love to co-sign on this loan, the funds of which you'll use to build a meth lab. you want me to work there when it's finished being built? absolutely."

the highlight of the trip was hanging out with will. anytime i was in the bathroom or a room in which will wasn't, i'd hear my name being called as he walked around the apartment looking for me. even now, jeph says that when will sees the guest bed covers not made, he says, "corey?"

how to get corey

2010-04-09T10:01:00.001-07:00

i must warn you, flattery will get you everywhere with me.

how to get chicks

2010-04-08T15:50:00.001-07:00

a note to my male readers: a girl will be really impressed if you deface wikipedia entries on federal disability law in order to proclaim your fondness of her physical form.

nieces and nephew

2010-04-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

i got to go to utah a little while ago and visit my nieces (ruby and brooklyn) and my nephew (chiP). my trip began with chiP throwing down the "happy birthday" sign my niece (brooklyn) had made me, in order to have something on which he could break-dance.

we went to lunch, and, as my brother andy said: "my nephew is wearing an eyepatch because being a badass isn't enough. he needs to be a BADASS PIRATE."

turns out chiP loves ketchup. fries are merely a vehicle with which he acquires ketchup. more ketchup. lots of ketchup.

and ruby just sleeps all day, lying there like a dead insect.

i looked out the window and what did i see?

2010-03-19T10:38:00.001-07:00

not popcorn popping on the apricot tree. i saw US Marshals.

for those of you that don't know, i kind of live in the ghetto. the cops are constantly being called, people are always fighting, and it's just a generally lovely place to live. after all, who doesn't enjoy the excitement of domestic disturbances, the flair of openly performed drug deals, or the utter exhilaration of the police questioning your neighbors in the parking lot at 4am?

so anyway, two days ago i was in my apartment and for whatever reason, i looked outside and saw a dude wearing a molle-type vest, standing in front of the small apartment building next to mine. i watched for a second, and when he turned his back to me, i saw that it had "POLICE" and "US MARSHALS" patches on the back.

this was a step up from the usual type of law enforcement that frequents my neighborhood, so of course i'm intrigued.

i had my head poked out the window, looking to see what was going on (turns out the one marshal just stood there, then another one came out and stood there, and then they left without apparent incident). the girl who lives below me pulled up in her car, so i looked down and then looked back at the marshals. as she walked into our apartment building, she looked at me and said "get your own life!"

i giggled a little bit, and went back to looking to see what was up next door. well, she didn't like that one bit, so in a loud voice (i suppose to gain the attention of the marshals standing in the parking lot) she said to me "if i smell pot coming from your house again, i'm calling the cops." i gave her the WTF look, because in my head i was thinking, "WTF?" mind you, i have only had one interaction with this girl prior to this occurrence (in that case, she knocked on my door and said their ceiling was leaking water, and wanted help WHICH I VERY NICELY OFFERED). you should also mind you that i've never partaken of alcohol or tobacco, let alone any type of illegal drug.

well, she apparently didn't like my silence in response to her threat, so then she said "and if your drug dealer comes back here again, i'm calling the cops." i gave her the double WTF look, because in my head i was thinking, "WTF, WTF?"

she walked in, and that was the end of it. and now i will abruptly end this post.

i always have my reasons

2010-03-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

this is why i fly southwest

an offering

2010-03-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

i will give this well-used razor, almost-expired yogurt, and $.51 to anyone willing to finish my legal writing paper for me.

for the record

2010-02-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

My Law School Friend Anne was mentioning to me the other day that she had seen one of our classmates taking a jog. i assured her that she would never have to say "i saw corey taking a jog," and then i sat down and made a list of other things she'd never have to say:

1. i saw corey hiking.
2. i saw corey biking.
3. i saw corey picking up something heavy.
4. i saw corey engaging in physical activity.
5. i saw corey standing for any reason other than he was pausing between sits.

there is, however, a good chance that she will - at one point or another - utter these words to someone:

1. i saw corey sitting.
2. i saw corey eating.
3. i saw corey eating while he was sitting.
4. i saw corey walking to a place where subsequently sat.
5. i saw corey eating while walking to a place where he subsequently sat.
6. i saw corey sitting, eating, about to walk to a place where he was going to sit and/or eat.

olympics, snow, and norman

2010-02-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

so the olympics are here. or something. has anyone actually heard anything about them? all i've come across are articles about how it's not snowing in canada. to anyone who knows anything about canada, this is not a big surprise, because canada is usually a big disappointment. the one time i've been impressed with canada was when i learned that the longest confirmed kill in a war was conducted by a canadian special forces sniper (see here to watch a video about him, during which the commentator mispronoonces words as he talks aboot Rob Furlong: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2knT8RwxKA).

school is going well for me right now. the most recent concept i've been learning about is the "fee simple subject to condition subsequent." in layman's terms, this is a legal topic which has gone completely over my head. it all started with some guy named norman invading england in 1066, but that's as much as i remember cuz i wasn't listening in class.

time to go surf ar15.com. later, dudes.

p.s. here's a video of chiP dancing (to my beatbox in the background). when the kid hears any type of rhythm, he immediately ceases whatever he's doing and engages in intense dancing. my favorite part is about 1 second in when he throws his left hand up in the air.

feel really sorry for me

2010-01-19T19:20:00.001-08:00

i'm sick. last week it started with a sore throat, which turned into a sore throat plus almost passing out in the middle of my legal writing class. the student health center is closed on the weekend, and since it was a 3-day, i had to wait til yesterday to see the doc. most of the weekend was bearable, as i was being comforted by ibuprofen, chloraseptic spray, cough drops, and a firm belief in a peaceful afterlife. and speaking of cough drops, who decides what the dosage of these things should be? after finishing two bags of 30 in the awake hours of a single day, i decided that i should probably look at the label to make sure they weren't going to kill me. "Dissolve 1 drop slowly in the mouth. Repeat every 2 hours as needed." after doing the math, i realized that i took 1000 percent of the recommended dosage. but other than a slight tummy ache and The Yellow Coating of Lozenge all over my teeth, i was none the worse for wear.

on saturday i contacted the on-call doc at the student health center, and he gave me vague, semi-useful instructions on what to do. "take ibuprofen and if it's not better in a few days, go to the student health center." the instructions that came with my printer were more helpful than that, and they didn't go to 12 years of college.

anyway, on sunday my mom called to check up on me, because i'm 28 and obviously can't do this by myself. she asked if i had looked at the back of my mouth, which i hadn't, so i busted out my trusty flashlight and peered into the abyss. it was like my tonsils had recently received massive snowfall and much of the precipitation had stuck. i just about puked as i tried to calmly explain to my doting mother that "it doesn't look too bad." to put it in perspective, when the doctor peered into my throat this afternoon, he recoiled, shuddered, and said, "i hope this penicillin works before that s*** kills you."

so anyway, i'm now on a massive antibiotic schedule, and i got my first decent night of sleep. i have class today, but in the interest of not being the subject of a documentary covering the epicenter of a massive bacterial outbreak in the Pacific Northwest, i've decided to stay home and play video games instead.

p.s. i'll probably use that excuse tomorrow, too.

losing control

2010-01-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel as though my beard is slowly taking over as the dominant entity. it's as if it looks in the mirror in the morning and thinks to itself, "that bald guy growing on my back is getting really big."

one of these things is not like the other

2010-01-05T23:36:00.001-08:00

no caption will ever be as sweet at this picture.

how little things change

2010-01-05T23:33:00.001-08:00

even back then, my awesomeness made kelly and robby uncomfortable.

cool breeze

2010-01-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

the best part of my Christmas break, besides seeing the family and all that jazz, was the 72 hour marathon of my favorite show, The Unit, on the sleuth channel. it was 259,200 seconds of pure, unadulterated, awesomeness. if you've never watched The Unit, you don't deserve to vote or have children.

this is bob brown, whose humanity covers the whole world like a soft, warm blanket. he also shoots a lot of people and rarely, if ever, takes names:

on one of the episodes i watched last night, i learned a valuable lesson. one of the operators was helping someone make a difficult decision; when the person he was helping said they didn't know what to do, he said, "here's a secret my boss taught me: if you did know the answer, what would it be?"

i struggled with something today, which weighed pretty heavily on my soul. however, after some contemplation and application of the above advice, i figured out the answer: yes, i should have a second piece of chocolate cake.

disgusted

2010-01-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

i am NEVER going back to the gun shop which i visited in my dream last night. the prices were ridiculous, the service was terrible, and for some reason the guy helping me was also, simultaneously, eating a nasty cheeseburger and pitching for the yankees.

this is a picture of me sitting angrily at the kitchen table, angrily eating my bowl of cereal (at 1:16, just a short while after i woke up).

battling the beast

2010-01-02T00:55:00.000-08:00

first, i held a staring contest with chiP, the loser of which was subject to a snow-wrestling match with the beast. upon winning, chiP took to his throne and rejoiced in the battle which was about to take place.

i bravely fought the beast.

then i took a nice picture with the beast, and chiP congratulated the victor of the match.

play stupid games, win stupid prizes

2009-12-30T10:54:00.001-08:00

stupid game: wrestling with 170 pound dog

stupid prize: big 'ole cut on my leg from 170 pound dog

can't make this up

2009-12-28T00:17:00.000-08:00

i have a counter on my website, and one of the things it does (besides letting me see how many times i've hit the refresh button since the inception of this blog) is to show me the websites from which people clinked on a link to end up on this blog. most of the time people just type the address in, google it, click on a link from facebook, or ricochet here from someone else's blog. however, one dude in Hungary upped the ante, and proved that we are truly a globalized society. a creepy, uncomfortable, totally nonsensical globalized society.

i don't check it often, but the last time i did i noticed that someone from Zalaegerszeg, Hungary had come to my website via a google search. this seemed kinda weird to me, because i don't know anyone in Hungary, and i figured that only a fairly strange combination of search terms would lead someone here.

turned out to be strange indeed. on December 16, at 8:40 am, someone on the other side of the world was sitting at their computer, looking for a website that contained the following words: "weener," "writing," and "desk." yes, dear reader(s [i hope there is more than one of you]), some Hungarian was doing his darndest to track down the elusive Weener Writing Desk. unfortunately for him, he landed on my page, which has only a mention of my friend, The Weener, the desk in my house, and the word "writing."

i don't know who this person was, and more sadly, i have no idea what a Weener Writing Desk is. i want to track him/her down and see if they ever managed to stumble upon their sought-after treasure. i hope they found it.

p.s. Zalaegerszeg is in western Hungary, and you can read all about it HERE.

p.m.s. i offer this (edited, since this is a family-ish website) screenshot as proof:

best present ever

2009-12-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

for those of you wondering, yes, that is a pistol-grip mug full of .22 rounds.

murphy

2009-12-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

you really have to meet murphy to adequately understand him. the problem is, he doesn't want to meet you. he wants to eat you. murphy hates most people and all feet, loves to lick faces, and is absurdly large. he is a gross, dumb, absolutely radass man-dog.

a man and his dog

2009-12-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

murph and i had an excellent Christmas. woke up at noon and had breakfast with the family: scrambled eggs, sausage, and gramma jean's famous coffee cake. it was so good and i ate so much so quickly that i had my famous tummy ache. after that we opened presents, which turned out to be a more stellar experience than i had expected. i got two books, one of which i already owned. i also got a dish towel, camo sheets, a gift certificate to Wendy's, and a trip to the netherlands. A TRIP. TO THE NETHERLANDS. I LOVE. WHEN. PEOPLE. TYPE. LIKE. THIS. SO. I. AM. GOING. TO. DO. IT. TOO.

after presents, i countered terror on my xbox with my little brother Andy™, and then we piled into the car and went to the theater to see Invictus. it was good, though a little long (that's what she said), and upon returning home i played outside with murphy. it turns out that his lack of intelligence combined with his willingness to try new things and his inability to sense danger allowed us to have a good time in the 20 inches of snow that is currently sitting on top of my parents' mountainous backyard.

brooklyn

2009-12-24T00:27:00.001-08:00

the day i landed in SLC, my mom retrieved me up from the LZ and we drove and picked up brooklyn from school. brooklyn had a book report mobile that needed to be made, so she and my mom and i picked up some supplies at the store and spent SEVERAL hours at mcdonald's drinking hot chocolate and creating something amazing based on the book Dark Day in the Deep Sea. her mobile had swedish fish and gummy worms on it - partly to convey the symbolic significance of the setting of the novel, and partly because i feel that all projects made with the hands should be edible.

i thought about making a mobile for the last book i read, which was the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. however, my mobile wouldn't be a mobile at all. it would simply be a noose i'd tie around my neck to symbolize what it felt like reading, and my knowledge being tested on, the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

p.s. i have to give a shout out to my beard, which is back in full bloom.

i get it

2009-12-23T12:57:00.001-08:00

chiP, i'm with you on this one. sometimes you just need to pull up your shirt and show everyone how nice your belly is.

i wonder

2009-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

on a scale from 1-10, how jealous are my 2 readers that i got to go shooting today?

gramma do

2009-12-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

2 years and 3 days ago, my cute, round, short gramma do passed away. i wanted to do a little tribute to her on the blog, but my parents' internet service has been out since i arrived in town (well, until now). so here it is.

gramma do was sassy and loving and grumpy and just an absolute hoot. i'll miss her calling me "babydoll" and all the coffee cans full of candy and a $20 bill that she'd give us for Christmas presents every year. she was her own woman and i know she's missed by a lot of people.

this is my favorite picture of her, because she looks like she's in witness protection.

love you, gramma.

pretty much what i would have expected

2009-12-18T15:12:00.001-08:00

it came as no surprise that the stylish, velcro-fastened, all-white, $12.00 sneakers at wal-mart are the "Corey" model.

chiP

2009-12-18T13:52:00.001-08:00

jowels have never been quite so magnificent.

t-minus i'm screwed

2009-12-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

as i write this, i have 12 hours and 42 minutes until my final final. oh look at that - i rhymed. i'm hoping that the 45 minutes i studied today will make up for past 4 months of falling behind on reading and surfing ar15.com instead of listening in class. good luck to me.

p.s. i'm not sure why the library provides free squishy noseplugs during finals. they aren't particularly comfortable, and don't seem to correspond with any of the traditional things people generally do in the library during finals.

are you aware the shape i'm in?

2009-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

i was recently introduced to The Avett Brothers. they are brothers and not brothers, which, if i remember correctly, is a tautology. this is my favorite song of theirs which i've encountered so far. listen and enjoy.

almost there

2009-12-11T02:36:00.001-08:00

6 more days til naps on the couch with murph.

when the angels come

2009-12-11T00:37:00.000-08:00

bubble-encased fetuses floating in the ocean? check.
creepy animation? check.
unauthorized surgical procedures? check.
one of my favorite songs? check.

we all make mistakes

2009-12-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

dear beard, i'm sorry that i shaved you off last month. i feel terrible about the whole thing, and i'll do all i can to hasten your return. hopefully before too soon, you'll look like this again:

rhetoric tuesday is delicious to hear

2009-12-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

this is the weener:

the weener is very benevolent, gentle, and kind. the weener introduced me to the now-defunct band Rhetoric Tuesday many many years ago. i love both of their albums, but unfortunately they are no longer (however, you can buy their first album on iTunes, and i would HIGHLY recommend it - i wrote the first review of their album on iTunes). however, they sorta briefly became another band, Lander, which i thought sucked, and now the lead singer, Tyler Stenson, is doing a solo thing. to promote his solo thing, Tyler has put up 30 of his songs for free on his website, which is http://tylerstenson.com/blog/free-music/

his music is the shiznit, so you should check it out. my favorite tunes are #1 (alyce says), #2 (as of late), #6 (cannonball), #13 (mackenzie rides motorcycles), #21 (rome tomorrow), #22 (shade) and #24 (stand around).

i bought one of Lander's albums, and was really disappointed. not too long after my purchase, i got an email from Tyler asking me to leave positive feedback for him on the site from which i purchased the album. i responded to his email and said that i didn't enjoy the music at all, and that i was disappointed that rhetoric tuesday broke up. he actually wrote back to me, and we exchanged a few emails. seems like a cool dude, and he makes good tunes.

so...that's it.

lucky #6

2009-12-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

it's 6 degrees outside, though i'm not sure if that's celsius or fahrenheit. i'm also not sure if i'm spelling fahrenheit correctly. i was going to go forage about spokane for food to help sustain me as i write a final exam for one of my classes. however, it's 6 degrees outside, so it looks like i'm staying in and having smores for dinner. again.

anyway, in honor of the number of degrees it is outside, i've compiled a list of six sixes.

6 - number of 4's of marshmallows i've had today
6 - number of times i swore while reading the directions of my last final
6 - number of times i've watched the movie "Honey" on mute
6 - number of sides contained in a triangle marriage
6 - total number of sleeves and pant legs in any given Goro outfit
6 - number of items in this list

even from a young age

2009-12-06T03:06:00.001-08:00

i knew that i was different from the other kids.

everyone, my dad; my dad, everyone

2009-12-02T22:26:00.001-08:00

i was going through old pictures, and in doing so found a bunch with me and my dad. they reminded me of all the good times we've had over the years, so i thought i'd throw some of them on here. whether it's traveling together (11 countries, 4 continents), going shooting, or hanging out with dad's former coach Bobby Knight (whose first and only words to me were "you should have inherited your mother's hair"), my dad has always been a stand-up guy and the coolest dude i know. here's to you, pappy.

it's true

2009-12-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

i carry a bandoleer of shotgun shells with me wherever i go.

you wouldn't like me when i'm angry

2009-11-30T12:03:00.000-08:00

this is me with my angry face, giving my pg-rated finger to the ridiculous grade a ridiculous professor gave me on a ridiculous midterm:

i have a family

2009-11-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

and this is my dad's side (well, most of them). my three favorite things from the picture:

1. uncle joe's fangs
2. cousin charlie's mustache
3. brother-in-law nate's hiding from the camera

three pictures

2009-11-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

i'm in The Land of the North right now, visiting both my distant and all-too-close relatives for thanksgiving. yesterday during the drive, we drove through jack in the box for lunch, and the total came to $20.04. mom said, "does anyone have four cents?" to which dad replied "does anyone have 20 bucks?" Andy™ and i laughed at the thought of paying for a meal when mom and dad were there.

mom's been taking a ton of pictures all day, so as soon as i get my mitts on them i'll put them up. until then, i've just got these three.

this is me and liv:

liv's good at a lot of things, such as (1) being cute, (2) drooling, and (3) creating/distributing absurdly disgusting smells. at 6 months old, she's only 13 pounds. by comparison, when chiP was 6 months old, he weighed about 42 pounds and ate his weight in food every day.

here are hunter and aiden:

hunter and aiden are two dudes after my own oreo-eating heart. hunter, on the left, is a simple soul, content with just enjoying his oreos while unwinding from a long day. notice his body language: relaxed but alert, taking the time to split his oreos in twain before consuming them. aiden, by contrast, is much more aggressive in his oreo consumption, as evidenced by the menacing look on his face and the 3 full double stufs he's chewing at the moment this picture was taken.

lastly, my new hat that my astoundingly terrific aunti terri, who lives in seattle and has a birthday on may 28, gave me:

i know that you're jealous, because right now i have on a limited edition HALO3 hat, which shows my support of and participation in the galaxy-saving strategic missions of the United Nations Space Command (UNSC). b-b-b-booyah.

happy thanksgiving, people.

a new home for my bottom

2009-11-25T01:22:00.000-08:00

since i'm now a big-shot law student, i decided that it was high time to spoil myself. up until earlier today, the only pieces of furniture in my apartment were a computer chair, computer desk, non-computer desk, and card table, which should really be called a things table, because it's where i put my things, not my cards.

i needed a couch. you know, something on which to sit and think law school thoughts, like what the rules of discovery are, the original intent of the Framers in constructing the Bill of Rights, and how if you place the delicious icing layers of 4 oreos within the boundaries of the delicious cookie layers of 1 oreo, you create something so beautiful and deliciousy that it makes you wet your pants out of anticipation of consumption.

so i went out and found the most expensive, luxurious, refined, comfortable, and distinguished couch in my parent's garage, and it was delivered to me today. the first picture is of me playing COD:MW2 as i try to stay awake despite the couch's best efforts to convince me that it was sleepytyme. the second picture is of me having succumbed to the will of my new love seat. the second picture is also of my disproportionately long left leg which would falsely suggest that i am over 7 feet tall.

my radass little brother Andy™ is staying the night, and tomorrow we're heading out with my parents to visit our Family To The North. Andy™ and i watched the first half of The Jerk, during which time i spilled crumbs into the crevassesess of the couch, which is my way of marking my new territory. i also peed a little on one of the cushions just so any dogs that happen to visit will know what belongs to me.

p.s. this is the first blog post, but hopefully not the last, where i mention urinating TWO TIMES.

chiP

2009-11-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

this is my nephew, chiP, and i don't think there's anything quite as awesome as his little man-boobs.

just to clear things up

2009-11-21T23:21:00.001-08:00

i know that there have been some rumors about my personal life swirling around both of the internets. i don't normally divulge many aspects of my personal life online, but for this particular matter i'm going to make an exception. i'm here tonight to just cut through the bologna and attempt to set the record straight.

yes, it's true that i once tried to eat a small child while he wasn't looking.

i'd wanna be in the cavalry

2009-11-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

i wouldn't say that i'm a lover of horses, and i think that is evidenced by the fact that my last encounter with a horse was a frikandel i had whilst living in the netherlands. however, this truly phenomenal song leads me to believe that if i were to be sent off to war, i would also want to be in the cavalry.

saturday

2009-11-21T10:07:00.001-08:00

today started off with such great potential. i woke up at 9:30, all pumped up to get stuff done. i was committed to getting all of my crap finished so that i can have a nice, relaxing evening. this is how the day has progressed so far:

9:30 - exited my slumber, all pumped up

9:30-9:45 - laid there, felt "pumped up" quickly replaced by lethargy

9:45-9:50 - made a cup of herbal tea and a bowl of marshmallow mateys

9:50-10:05 - ate my cereal. slowly.

10:05-10:10 - forced myself to make a list of all the things i need to do today

10:10-present - promptly ignored list, began watching videos my friend sent me of an Asian woman spectacularly folding t-shirts

i'm just as excited as everyone else to see exactly where this day is going to take me.

you growds up and you growds up

2009-11-20T15:38:00.001-08:00

being a grown up is the best. i get to do whatever i want, like eat cookies for dinner, stay up as late as i want, and leave the heat off in this frickin' freezing weather because i'm saving my money for ammo.

here's me taking a break from my big research paper.

marshmallows for lunch

2009-11-19T11:00:00.001-08:00

i have not changed significantly since then

2009-11-18T11:30:00.000-08:00

most people have no idea how much i loved atari, how good i was at showing off my legs, how round my stomach was, or how much kelly and i had the same chin, when i was little. hopefully these pictures will put all that to rest.

i'm pretty sure that first sentence had horrific grammar, but i ain't gonna fix it.

the death of TheHolyBeardedOne.com

2009-11-16T17:58:00.001-08:00

as i'm sure two or three of you noticed, TheHolyBeardedOne.com no longer exists. it was a tough decision to not renew it, and after having it for 4 years, it's been kind of sad not owning it anymore. i didn't renew it because life is just too busy to maintain it properly - that, and the fact that i spent my $60 for renewal on a hat and marshmallows instead.

that's it for now.