Saturday, October 30, 2010

chiP and boobie

i'm being seriously when i say that there is nothing cuter than these two monkeys.

i got to babysit chiP today for a couple hours while kelly was doing something that was more important than being with her kids. we went to costco for pizza, and on the way there he kept saying "i need costco pizza. i NEED costco pizza." he loved it, and also ate half of my churro.

after lunch we went to andy's office, where chiP trick-or-trat amongst the offices. he didn't have on his costume (a spider, which is what he's gonna don tomorrow), but he was wearing an adidas track suit so i just told people he was dressed as half of Run DMC.

i took him home, where he proudly told his mom "candy. candy. candy. candy." his jacket had pockets, as did his pants, and his brain was moving so quickly at the prospect of immediate sugar that he couldn't locate said candy. we finally got it out of the jacket, and he began to consume it as if it was the last act on earth he was ever going to perform. he was halfway into a lemon tootsie roll when he ran across the room, climbed onto my lap, and tried to share with me the slobber-encased remains of what was left. i politely declined, but thanked him for his offer. it was really cute, but mostly kind of gross.

and i got to see boobie, who is just getting cuter and cuter urry day. kbye.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

i've always countered potential DP theft with the threat of violence.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

my favorite person drawing a picture of my second favorite person

there is nothing i enjoy more than sitting for a portrait session with brooklyn. we were at my dad's office, waiting for him and my mom to figure out their new iFones, and brooklyn decided to draw me. at one point she had "sparklies" on my cranium, which were to show how the light reflected off the top of my head. unfortunately they didn't make the cut.

as my artist friend courtney stated, "[brooklyn] achieved an incredible likeness." note the phenomenal beard, balding head, and ginormous lips.

Monday, October 11, 2010

take my hand, and take it slow

the band is Rhetoric Tuesday. the track is Rome Tomorrow. the water coming out of your face is a Giant Tear of Joy from hearing such beautiful music.

write a letter to me every day
and in the usual way
tell me everything will be alright
tell me everything's alright

Sunday, October 10, 2010

ramblin' man

the only thing better than flying to denver is driving to denver with my lawyer, sean, and his three year old triplets. so that's what i did. i had only hung out with the triplets once or twice in the past several months, so it was fun to get to know them. it was also fun for them to get to know me, except that they never really figured out who i was. at first they called me corey, then cody, then cordy, then jordy, and by the time we pulled into denver, they were asking their dad "who's that guy?"

the best part of the trip was when Lindsay smacked Alex on the forehead with her sippy cup, and he screamed for an hour. the first 30 minutes were him just crying, and the last 30 minutes were him screaming "I WAAAAANNNTTT TOOOOO DRRRRIIIIVVVVVE." the second best part of the trip was when sean and alex switched seats so that alex could captain the escalade for the last few hours.

they threw their hands up and yelled when we rolled through a tunnel. they then decided that every overpass was a tunnel, so there was a lot of handsing upping and yelling.

yesterday we went to a couple of jeph's nephews' soccer games, where i sat and jeph hollered. please note the inherent awesomeness of jeph's Girl's Camp t-shirt which reads "Ewe Make The Difference."

after dinner, jeph's niece mallory and i huffed ate a bunch of whipped cream straight from the can. it was delicious, and i chased it with half a dozen donuts.

and that's all for now.

Friday, October 8, 2010

tonight, i've got a question for you

i had my first law-related interview yesterday, and several people have asked me how it went. and, like always, by "several people" i mean "my mom."

it's hard for me to step outside of the situation and determine whether or not it was a success. with that in mind, i'd like you to let me know how YOU think it went, in light of the following statement i made to one of the senior partners of the firm. and i quote (myself):

"well, if you pull out someone's fingernails one by one, they're going to tell you anything you want to hear."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

it's as if my stuff was a victim of Bad Touch

turns out the dudes who live above me are not good at not flooding my bathroom with water from their washing machine. the maintenance dude was supposed to come over this afternoon (since i was supposed to be out of town [but ended up postponing my trip for a day]) to fix everything and patch up some holes, but he ended up coming over earlier in the day. i didn't know that, but figured it out when i came home from school and the cave smelled like maintenance had been conducted.

i went into the bathroom to see what he had done, and this is what i saw:

normal, right? he thought i was gonna be gone for the weekend, so he left his tools out, presumably to pick up in a day or two (probably when the spackle had dried and he could check on everything). so he left his big putty tool, his little putty tool, a little tub of spackle, and...a knife from my silverware? WTF?

that's right, reader (see: mom). he apparently needed something with which to stir his spackle, and decided that rifling through my drawers to find a dinner knife was the best idea of all the ideas which were his ideas. i was first annoyed, then kind of mad at his unprofessionalism, and then kind of creeped out that he was going through my stuff. i mean, did he go through all my drawers? try on my clothes? find that Jonas Brothers poster i have hidden in the closet? listen to my Celine Dion collection?

so i took pictures, conducted silverware comparisons to make sure i was correct (i was), and wrote a statement to give to my landlady. i felt like atticus finch, except instead of being a dapper southern lawyer defending the innocence of a persecuted minority - all while racing two precocious children who were preoccupied with a foreboding gentleman that ended up just being Robert Duvall, i was getting spun up about a dude using my knife.

i figured the best way to deal with this was to be APAAP (as passive aggressive as possible), so i did this:

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

i'm so freaking outdoorsy

ok, so maybe not. but this summer i decided that i needed to get out of the temperature-controlled house at least one time, so i went floating down the Provo River with some friends.

after putting on a beard, hat, sunglasses, rashguard, and 3.2 gallons of SPF one billion, i...sat. and floated. it was fun.

Monday, October 4, 2010


tonight was the first time it cooled off enough to warrant me wearing my new klompen slippers. well, until i put them on and my feet started sweating and i had to take them off.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

i got older in september

i heard about the band Bløf when i was on my mission, and thanks to peer-to-peer technology iTunes, i was able to find a lot of their stuff. Adam Duritz, the lead singer of Counting Crows, is singing the english lyrics in this one. the song is called Wennen Aan September, and it means something in dutch.

i considered translating the dutch lyrics into english, but the meaning and your attention would be lost because my dutch is bad and my english that is translated from dutch is even worse.

The color of anything, is buried underneath the the smell of sunlight
And the moon that lies beneath
Hides the bitter truth
That drowning in a bed of blooms, is better than the lies
That slide from singers and the songs that slip their teeth

All the summer's falling down,
and the sun is on the ground
Falling upon a pile of photographs,
And the days flame out.
In the dark among the ashes
On this calender-go-round
I got older in September
And there's no way out

Autumn's coming down, around
The leaves are blowing eastward into town
All your life you had the things you lose
The things you keep, the things you wish you'd never left behind

And the summer's falling down
And her heart is on the ground
A breath of wind among the photographs
And the days fade out
In the dark among the endings
On this calender-go-round
Heading west into September

And the lights go down
And the lights go down

Saturday, October 2, 2010


i was going through some files from my old website and found this stuff. it made me happy, because i was reminded of the good 'ole days, back when i wasn't fat and in law school.

well, i wasn't in law school.