Sunday, November 28, 2010

my run-in with the law

about a month ago, i went to my evidence class as per usual. when i got to the room, it was swarming with US Marshals and dudes in suits. my evidence professor is a judge, so i thought that either someone had threatened him in some way, or the marshals were there to pick me up for looking so good that it broke some federal law.

when i got to the door, one of the marshals had a roll for our class, and next to each person's name was their picture. the guy asked me my name, i told him, and when he found my name/picture, he said, "i'm going to draw hair on your picture," and then he proceeded to do so. i thought "i'm gonna punch you in the throat," but just said "ok" and walked into class.

once everyone was there, including The Hot Girl, the professor explained that he wanted to show all of us an in limine hearing (where opposing sides of a lawsuit meet so the judge can determine what evidence is admissible). he said it was too hard to get everyone down to the courthouse, so he brought the courthouse to us. sure enough, the stenographer, clerks, US Attorneys, and even the actual defendant (in handcuffs) and his counsel were there - along with the US Marshals. i had hoped that Raylan Givens would show up, but he didn't.

the judge explained what was going to happen, and before we began, he gave the head US Marshal the floor to explain a few things. i had seen this guy and a couple of his comrades eyeballing me as the judge was telling us what was going on. i figured it was because i was the best-looking person in the room, but it might have also been the beard, shaved head, tattoos, and stickers on the back of my computer:

so the marshal got up and explained that he and his coworkers were indeed US Marshals, that the guns they had were real, and that if we reached into our bags or made any strange movements, they would respond according to their training. at that point, this marshal looked at me directly and said, "and i've got my eyes on you, guy with the My Other Auto Is A .45 sticker." everyone laughed, except my beard, who growled and tried to get me to pop the guy in the nose.

after the hearing, the marshal (who had sat directly behind me for the duration) came up, apologized, and said that he just couldn't help himself when he saw the sticker. he shook my hand and gave me this:

that's right, i am now in possession of an official US Marshals lapel pin. and while i don't have my JD yet, i'm fairly certain that by giving me this, he deputized me and i'm entitled to all the rights and responsibilities of a US Marshal. giddy up.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

egg droppings

a couple weeks ago we went to brooklyn's school to watch her class do an egg-drop. for those of you not familiar with this, it involves dropping eggs.

the kids all packaged up an egg in different types of soft materials, and then a teacher tossed their work off the roof to see if it would hold up to a speedy impact with Mother Earth.

i'm glad that our schools are teaching our children useful lessons that will prepare them for real life. not only did they discover how to securely package eggs (which will be handy for those that are able to break into utah's highly praised egg-packaging industry), but they learned that it's ok to climb up onto the roof as long as you're gonna throw something off.

brooklyn's survived the fall (of course).

boobie was kind of lazy during the whole thing and just sat around being chubby. she didn't cheer, she didn't scream, and she didn't even bother to clap when brooklyn was up. i swear, all that kid does is eat and sleep. and look super duper cute.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

chiP and boobie

i'm being seriously when i say that there is nothing cuter than these two monkeys.

i got to babysit chiP today for a couple hours while kelly was doing something that was more important than being with her kids. we went to costco for pizza, and on the way there he kept saying "i need costco pizza. i NEED costco pizza." he loved it, and also ate half of my churro.

after lunch we went to andy's office, where chiP trick-or-trat amongst the offices. he didn't have on his costume (a spider, which is what he's gonna don tomorrow), but he was wearing an adidas track suit so i just told people he was dressed as half of Run DMC.

i took him home, where he proudly told his mom "candy. candy. candy. candy." his jacket had pockets, as did his pants, and his brain was moving so quickly at the prospect of immediate sugar that he couldn't locate said candy. we finally got it out of the jacket, and he began to consume it as if it was the last act on earth he was ever going to perform. he was halfway into a lemon tootsie roll when he ran across the room, climbed onto my lap, and tried to share with me the slobber-encased remains of what was left. i politely declined, but thanked him for his offer. it was really cute, but mostly kind of gross.

and i got to see boobie, who is just getting cuter and cuter urry day. kbye.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

i've always countered potential DP theft with the threat of violence.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

my favorite person drawing a picture of my second favorite person

there is nothing i enjoy more than sitting for a portrait session with brooklyn. we were at my dad's office, waiting for him and my mom to figure out their new iFones, and brooklyn decided to draw me. at one point she had "sparklies" on my cranium, which were to show how the light reflected off the top of my head. unfortunately they didn't make the cut.

as my artist friend courtney stated, "[brooklyn] achieved an incredible likeness." note the phenomenal beard, balding head, and ginormous lips.

Monday, October 11, 2010

take my hand, and take it slow

the band is Rhetoric Tuesday. the track is Rome Tomorrow. the water coming out of your face is a Giant Tear of Joy from hearing such beautiful music.

write a letter to me every day
and in the usual way
tell me everything will be alright
tell me everything's alright

Sunday, October 10, 2010

ramblin' man

the only thing better than flying to denver is driving to denver with my lawyer, sean, and his three year old triplets. so that's what i did. i had only hung out with the triplets once or twice in the past several months, so it was fun to get to know them. it was also fun for them to get to know me, except that they never really figured out who i was. at first they called me corey, then cody, then cordy, then jordy, and by the time we pulled into denver, they were asking their dad "who's that guy?"

the best part of the trip was when Lindsay smacked Alex on the forehead with her sippy cup, and he screamed for an hour. the first 30 minutes were him just crying, and the last 30 minutes were him screaming "I WAAAAANNNTTT TOOOOO DRRRRIIIIVVVVVE." the second best part of the trip was when sean and alex switched seats so that alex could captain the escalade for the last few hours.

they threw their hands up and yelled when we rolled through a tunnel. they then decided that every overpass was a tunnel, so there was a lot of handsing upping and yelling.

yesterday we went to a couple of jeph's nephews' soccer games, where i sat and jeph hollered. please note the inherent awesomeness of jeph's Girl's Camp t-shirt which reads "Ewe Make The Difference."

after dinner, jeph's niece mallory and i huffed ate a bunch of whipped cream straight from the can. it was delicious, and i chased it with half a dozen donuts.

and that's all for now.

Friday, October 8, 2010

tonight, i've got a question for you

i had my first law-related interview yesterday, and several people have asked me how it went. and, like always, by "several people" i mean "my mom."

it's hard for me to step outside of the situation and determine whether or not it was a success. with that in mind, i'd like you to let me know how YOU think it went, in light of the following statement i made to one of the senior partners of the firm. and i quote (myself):

"well, if you pull out someone's fingernails one by one, they're going to tell you anything you want to hear."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

it's as if my stuff was a victim of Bad Touch

turns out the dudes who live above me are not good at not flooding my bathroom with water from their washing machine. the maintenance dude was supposed to come over this afternoon (since i was supposed to be out of town [but ended up postponing my trip for a day]) to fix everything and patch up some holes, but he ended up coming over earlier in the day. i didn't know that, but figured it out when i came home from school and the cave smelled like maintenance had been conducted.

i went into the bathroom to see what he had done, and this is what i saw:

normal, right? he thought i was gonna be gone for the weekend, so he left his tools out, presumably to pick up in a day or two (probably when the spackle had dried and he could check on everything). so he left his big putty tool, his little putty tool, a little tub of spackle, and...a knife from my silverware? WTF?

that's right, reader (see: mom). he apparently needed something with which to stir his spackle, and decided that rifling through my drawers to find a dinner knife was the best idea of all the ideas which were his ideas. i was first annoyed, then kind of mad at his unprofessionalism, and then kind of creeped out that he was going through my stuff. i mean, did he go through all my drawers? try on my clothes? find that Jonas Brothers poster i have hidden in the closet? listen to my Celine Dion collection?

so i took pictures, conducted silverware comparisons to make sure i was correct (i was), and wrote a statement to give to my landlady. i felt like atticus finch, except instead of being a dapper southern lawyer defending the innocence of a persecuted minority - all while racing two precocious children who were preoccupied with a foreboding gentleman that ended up just being Robert Duvall, i was getting spun up about a dude using my knife.

i figured the best way to deal with this was to be APAAP (as passive aggressive as possible), so i did this:

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

i'm so freaking outdoorsy

ok, so maybe not. but this summer i decided that i needed to get out of the temperature-controlled house at least one time, so i went floating down the Provo River with some friends.

after putting on a beard, hat, sunglasses, rashguard, and 3.2 gallons of SPF one billion, i...sat. and floated. it was fun.

Monday, October 4, 2010


tonight was the first time it cooled off enough to warrant me wearing my new klompen slippers. well, until i put them on and my feet started sweating and i had to take them off.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

i got older in september

i heard about the band Bløf when i was on my mission, and thanks to peer-to-peer technology iTunes, i was able to find a lot of their stuff. Adam Duritz, the lead singer of Counting Crows, is singing the english lyrics in this one. the song is called Wennen Aan September, and it means something in dutch.

i considered translating the dutch lyrics into english, but the meaning and your attention would be lost because my dutch is bad and my english that is translated from dutch is even worse.

The color of anything, is buried underneath the the smell of sunlight
And the moon that lies beneath
Hides the bitter truth
That drowning in a bed of blooms, is better than the lies
That slide from singers and the songs that slip their teeth

All the summer's falling down,
and the sun is on the ground
Falling upon a pile of photographs,
And the days flame out.
In the dark among the ashes
On this calender-go-round
I got older in September
And there's no way out

Autumn's coming down, around
The leaves are blowing eastward into town
All your life you had the things you lose
The things you keep, the things you wish you'd never left behind

And the summer's falling down
And her heart is on the ground
A breath of wind among the photographs
And the days fade out
In the dark among the endings
On this calender-go-round
Heading west into September

And the lights go down
And the lights go down

Saturday, October 2, 2010


i was going through some files from my old website and found this stuff. it made me happy, because i was reminded of the good 'ole days, back when i wasn't fat and in law school.

well, i wasn't in law school.

Monday, August 16, 2010

old-school chip

the kid is only two, but i still miss the good 'ole days when he would scowl at your every move.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

hup, holland, hup

for Christmas, my pappy turned in a couple bajillion frequent flier miles and got me a ticket to head to the netherlands (NL). NL had been in the midst of a 7 year corey famine, and so i triumphantly returned to balance out the force and create a vaguely interpretable metaphor. i was only gone for 10 days, and i had to travel across the country three times (from west to east, east to north, and north to southwest) in order to see everyone, so i only had a few days in each place. my first stop was to see Dadash and Samir. Dadash looked the same, but Samir had grown from a kid to a regular-sized dude. we sipped tea, watched Animal Planet, and discussed socio-political historical events and the movie Groundhog's Day. it wasn't until waiting for my train out of there that i purchased my first dutch goodies: luikse waffels, stroopwaffels, and DP. the Trifecta of Deliciousness.

my next stop was to see my friends henneke and lambert. i was only there for a day, but was able to also visit an elderly friend, the first thing of which she said to me was "you're more bald than the last time i saw you." unfortunately i didn't get any pictures of these folks, so here's a picture of something delicious which i shall post in their honor.

i made my way up north to visit my buddy ferdi, who is not only an incredible chef, but also someone who quickly noticed the lack of hair on my head. he worked until the evening, so the full day that i was there i walked around the city and managed to find the old apartment where i used to live (8 years ago). i didn't knock on the door to see if the missionaries still live there, but since there were HUGE weeds in front of their door and none in front of the neighbors, i figured that it must still be elders occupying the premises.

the last stop was to see my favorite family in all of NL. the two older kids, peter and solveigh, looked exactly the same, but the two younger ones, noer and borkan, had magically turned into little adults. not like midgets or gary coleman or anything; they were just all grown up. i also got to meet peter's wife (galina) and adorable little girl (isis).

the only real sightseeing i did on the trip was to go with karin, solveigh, and noer to delft. delft is an old city which is famous for their blue pottery. delft also recently became famous for me having visited it. we took a boat tour and i learned interesting facts like how the people there used to be taxed according to the number of windows they had on the front of their house; that students throw their bikes into the canal upon graduating; and that the guy directing the boat tour spoke as if he had a potato in his mouth, and i therefore only understood his dutch well enough to learn that people there used to be taxed according to the number of windows they had on the front of their house and that students throw their bikes into the canal upon graduating.

we took a tour of the old church (built in the 1200s) and the new church (built in the 1400s), and noer flipped me off in a picture and i was gonna post it here but this is a family website.

my favorite towelhead

Friday, July 16, 2010

the chubbiest little strawberry ever

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

i am evolution

i concluded my trip to denver with some dental work provided by jeph's brother, dub. dub cleaned my teeth, fixed two cavities (no bad considering how long it had been since i made it to the dentist), and i'm pretty sure he bonded two of my teeth together. for those of you who don't know dub, he loves making uncomfortable jokes and engaging in inappropriate corey-touching. there was little of both during the trip, and i think he made up for it by creating one tooth where there had been twain. i only think this because i tried to floss, and the floss kept breaking before it would go in between the two teeth in the back which he fixed. if it wasn't dub's fault, perhaps my teeth just have a natural resistance to floss. perhaps i am...evolution.

Monday, June 21, 2010


one of the things i like about coming to colorado is that the sunsets here look like nuclear detonations.

but something i like even more than blowing up stuff with hydrogen bombs is this little guy. he constantly walks up to me, delivers the classic Blank Stare his phather taught him, and says "hi corey." five or six times an hour. "hi corey." i say hi and then he either drools or asks for olives. so sweet.

Monday, June 14, 2010


robby, aiden, and hunter are faster than ever before

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


i'm helping my pops build a chicken coop and garden area for my moms (it all has to be fenced in to protect it from the deer, coyotes, cougars, and mountain men), and the best part of it was when he said, "this is why we made sure you went to college."

logical? no. free labor? yes.

Monday, May 31, 2010

my heart is not pure, but apparently i do have the strength of 10 men

while my beard didn't provide me with the power to slay an entire army with a donkey's jawbone, it did give me the strengh to double-handedly break the c-clamp of my new vice in twain.

i'm sure the energy provided by my nightly bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream - topped with a fistful of marshmallows - helped.


the better three out of four gents in this picture served (or currently serve) in the armed forces. i was gonna photoshop the pic to include my mom, grandfathers, uncles, and cousin (who have served or currently serve), but it would have been too crowded and uncomfortable for everyone involved. so today, i tip my hat to all of those protecting our interests near and far, and take a moment to remember those who laid down their lives.

the devil's huggin on my boots, that's why i own a gun

Friday, May 28, 2010

screwing the pooch

i like to pull my blog titles from things that are going on in the pictures i post, but i figured that this one would be better left to text. it's 3:22am, and i just finished doing some work work. i'm not sure how, but i totally messed up a project, and i feel like an idiot. i'm not particularly looking forward to self-loathing cuddling with me until i fall asleep tonight.

i started clerking with a public defender earlier this week, and it's really interesting to see the inner workings of criminal court. it is also interesting to see a ranting, raving inmate fire his public defender using no less than every single curse word ever created by man, including references to male genitalia, defecation, and certain acts that are still illegal in most of the southern states.

on an unrelated note, i found a picture of me and booby from when i first moved back. and don't fret, readers, the beard is even longer now.