Wednesday, December 30, 2009

play stupid games, win stupid prizes

stupid game: wrestling with 170 pound dog

stupid prize: big 'ole cut on my leg from 170 pound dog

Monday, December 28, 2009

can't make this up

i have a counter on my website, and one of the things it does (besides letting me see how many times i've hit the refresh button since the inception of this blog) is to show me the websites from which people clinked on a link to end up on this blog. most of the time people just type the address in, google it, click on a link from facebook, or ricochet here from someone else's blog. however, one dude in Hungary upped the ante, and proved that we are truly a globalized society. a creepy, uncomfortable, totally nonsensical globalized society.

i don't check it often, but the last time i did i noticed that someone from Zalaegerszeg, Hungary had come to my website via a google search. this seemed kinda weird to me, because i don't know anyone in Hungary, and i figured that only a fairly strange combination of search terms would lead someone here.

turned out to be strange indeed. on December 16, at 8:40 am, someone on the other side of the world was sitting at their computer, looking for a website that contained the following words: "weener," "writing," and "desk." yes, dear reader(s [i hope there is more than one of you]), some Hungarian was doing his darndest to track down the elusive Weener Writing Desk. unfortunately for him, he landed on my page, which has only a mention of my friend, The Weener, the desk in my house, and the word "writing."

i don't know who this person was, and more sadly, i have no idea what a Weener Writing Desk is. i want to track him/her down and see if they ever managed to stumble upon their sought-after treasure. i hope they found it.

p.s. Zalaegerszeg is in western Hungary, and you can read all about it HERE.

p.m.s. i offer this (edited, since this is a family-ish website) screenshot as proof:

Sunday, December 27, 2009

best present ever


for those of you wondering, yes, that is a pistol-grip mug full of .22 rounds.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

murphy


you really have to meet murphy to adequately understand him. the problem is, he doesn't want to meet you. he wants to eat you. murphy hates most people and all feet, loves to lick faces, and is absurdly large. he is a gross, dumb, absolutely radass man-dog.

Friday, December 25, 2009

a man and his dog


murph and i had an excellent Christmas. woke up at noon and had breakfast with the family: scrambled eggs, sausage, and gramma jean's famous coffee cake. it was so good and i ate so much so quickly that i had my famous tummy ache. after that we opened presents, which turned out to be a more stellar experience than i had expected. i got two books, one of which i already owned. i also got a dish towel, camo sheets, a gift certificate to Wendy's, and a trip to the netherlands. A TRIP. TO THE NETHERLANDS. I LOVE. WHEN. PEOPLE. TYPE. LIKE. THIS. SO. I. AM. GOING. TO. DO. IT. TOO.

after presents, i countered terror on my xbox with my little brother Andy™, and then we piled into the car and went to the theater to see Invictus. it was good, though a little long (that's what she said), and upon returning home i played outside with murphy. it turns out that his lack of intelligence combined with his willingness to try new things and his inability to sense danger allowed us to have a good time in the 20 inches of snow that is currently sitting on top of my parents' mountainous backyard.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

brooklyn



the day i landed in SLC, my mom retrieved me up from the LZ and we drove and picked up brooklyn from school. brooklyn had a book report mobile that needed to be made, so she and my mom and i picked up some supplies at the store and spent SEVERAL hours at mcdonald's drinking hot chocolate and creating something amazing based on the book Dark Day in the Deep Sea. her mobile had swedish fish and gummy worms on it - partly to convey the symbolic significance of the setting of the novel, and partly because i feel that all projects made with the hands should be edible.

i thought about making a mobile for the last book i read, which was the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. however, my mobile wouldn't be a mobile at all. it would simply be a noose i'd tie around my neck to symbolize what it felt like reading, and my knowledge being tested on, the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

p.s. i have to give a shout out to my beard, which is back in full bloom.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i get it

chiP, i'm with you on this one. sometimes you just need to pull up your shirt and show everyone how nice your belly is.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

i wonder


on a scale from 1-10, how jealous are my 2 readers that i got to go shooting today?

gramma do



2 years and 3 days ago, my cute, round, short gramma do passed away. i wanted to do a little tribute to her on the blog, but my parents' internet service has been out since i arrived in town (well, until now). so here it is.

gramma do was sassy and loving and grumpy and just an absolute hoot. i'll miss her calling me "babydoll" and all the coffee cans full of candy and a $20 bill that she'd give us for Christmas presents every year. she was her own woman and i know she's missed by a lot of people.

this is my favorite picture of her, because she looks like she's in witness protection.

love you, gramma.

Friday, December 18, 2009

pretty much what i would have expected

it came as no surprise that the stylish, velcro-fastened, all-white, $12.00 sneakers at wal-mart are the "Corey" model.

chiP

jowels have never been quite so magnificent.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

t-minus i'm screwed



as i write this, i have 12 hours and 42 minutes until my final final. oh look at that - i rhymed. i'm hoping that the 45 minutes i studied today will make up for past 4 months of falling behind on reading and surfing ar15.com instead of listening in class. good luck to me.

p.s. i'm not sure why the library provides free squishy noseplugs during finals. they aren't particularly comfortable, and don't seem to correspond with any of the traditional things people generally do in the library during finals.

Monday, December 14, 2009

are you aware the shape i'm in?



i was recently introduced to The Avett Brothers. they are brothers and not brothers, which, if i remember correctly, is a tautology. this is my favorite song of theirs which i've encountered so far. listen and enjoy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

almost there



6 more days til naps on the couch with murph.

when the angels come



bubble-encased fetuses floating in the ocean? check.
creepy animation? check.
unauthorized surgical procedures? check.
one of my favorite songs? check.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

we all make mistakes

dear beard, i'm sorry that i shaved you off last month. i feel terrible about the whole thing, and i'll do all i can to hasten your return. hopefully before too soon, you'll look like this again:

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

rhetoric tuesday is delicious to hear

this is the weener:

the weener is very benevolent, gentle, and kind. the weener introduced me to the now-defunct band Rhetoric Tuesday many many years ago. i love both of their albums, but unfortunately they are no longer (however, you can buy their first album on iTunes, and i would HIGHLY recommend it - i wrote the first review of their album on iTunes). however, they sorta briefly became another band, Lander, which i thought sucked, and now the lead singer, Tyler Stenson, is doing a solo thing. to promote his solo thing, Tyler has put up 30 of his songs for free on his website, which is http://tylerstenson.com/blog/free-music/

his music is the shiznit, so you should check it out. my favorite tunes are #1 (alyce says), #2 (as of late), #6 (cannonball), #13 (mackenzie rides motorcycles), #21 (rome tomorrow), #22 (shade) and #24 (stand around).

i bought one of Lander's albums, and was really disappointed. not too long after my purchase, i got an email from Tyler asking me to leave positive feedback for him on the site from which i purchased the album. i responded to his email and said that i didn't enjoy the music at all, and that i was disappointed that rhetoric tuesday broke up. he actually wrote back to me, and we exchanged a few emails. seems like a cool dude, and he makes good tunes.

so...that's it.

lucky #6

it's 6 degrees outside, though i'm not sure if that's celsius or fahrenheit. i'm also not sure if i'm spelling fahrenheit correctly. i was going to go forage about spokane for food to help sustain me as i write a final exam for one of my classes. however, it's 6 degrees outside, so it looks like i'm staying in and having smores for dinner. again.

anyway, in honor of the number of degrees it is outside, i've compiled a list of six sixes.

6 - number of 4's of marshmallows i've had today
6 - number of times i swore while reading the directions of my last final
6 - number of times i've watched the movie "Honey" on mute
6 - number of sides contained in a triangle marriage
6 - total number of sleeves and pant legs in any given Goro outfit
6 - number of items in this list

Sunday, December 6, 2009

even from a young age



i knew that i was different from the other kids.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

everyone, my dad; my dad, everyone

i was going through old pictures, and in doing so found a bunch with me and my dad. they reminded me of all the good times we've had over the years, so i thought i'd throw some of them on here. whether it's traveling together (11 countries, 4 continents), going shooting, or hanging out with dad's former coach Bobby Knight (whose first and only words to me were "you should have inherited your mother's hair"), my dad has always been a stand-up guy and the coolest dude i know. here's to you, pappy.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

it's true



i carry a bandoleer of shotgun shells with me wherever i go.

Monday, November 30, 2009

you wouldn't like me when i'm angry

this is me with my angry face, giving my pg-rated finger to the ridiculous grade a ridiculous professor gave me on a ridiculous midterm:

Friday, November 27, 2009

i have a family


and this is my dad's side (well, most of them). my three favorite things from the picture:

1. uncle joe's fangs
2. cousin charlie's mustache
3. brother-in-law nate's hiding from the camera

Thursday, November 26, 2009

three pictures

i'm in The Land of the North right now, visiting both my distant and all-too-close relatives for thanksgiving. yesterday during the drive, we drove through jack in the box for lunch, and the total came to $20.04. mom said, "does anyone have four cents?" to which dad replied "does anyone have 20 bucks?" Andy™ and i laughed at the thought of paying for a meal when mom and dad were there.

mom's been taking a ton of pictures all day, so as soon as i get my mitts on them i'll put them up. until then, i've just got these three.

this is me and liv:


liv's good at a lot of things, such as (1) being cute, (2) drooling, and (3) creating/distributing absurdly disgusting smells. at 6 months old, she's only 13 pounds. by comparison, when chiP was 6 months old, he weighed about 42 pounds and ate his weight in food every day.

here are hunter and aiden:


hunter and aiden are two dudes after my own oreo-eating heart. hunter, on the left, is a simple soul, content with just enjoying his oreos while unwinding from a long day. notice his body language: relaxed but alert, taking the time to split his oreos in twain before consuming them. aiden, by contrast, is much more aggressive in his oreo consumption, as evidenced by the menacing look on his face and the 3 full double stufs he's chewing at the moment this picture was taken.

lastly, my new hat that my astoundingly terrific aunti terri, who lives in seattle and has a birthday on may 28, gave me:


i know that you're jealous, because right now i have on a limited edition HALO3 hat, which shows my support of and participation in the galaxy-saving strategic missions of the United Nations Space Command (UNSC). b-b-b-booyah.

happy thanksgiving, people.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

a new home for my bottom

since i'm now a big-shot law student, i decided that it was high time to spoil myself. up until earlier today, the only pieces of furniture in my apartment were a computer chair, computer desk, non-computer desk, and card table, which should really be called a things table, because it's where i put my things, not my cards.

i needed a couch. you know, something on which to sit and think law school thoughts, like what the rules of discovery are, the original intent of the Framers in constructing the Bill of Rights, and how if you place the delicious icing layers of 4 oreos within the boundaries of the delicious cookie layers of 1 oreo, you create something so beautiful and deliciousy that it makes you wet your pants out of anticipation of consumption.

so i went out and found the most expensive, luxurious, refined, comfortable, and distinguished couch in my parent's garage, and it was delivered to me today. the first picture is of me playing COD:MW2 as i try to stay awake despite the couch's best efforts to convince me that it was sleepytyme. the second picture is of me having succumbed to the will of my new love seat. the second picture is also of my disproportionately long left leg which would falsely suggest that i am over 7 feet tall.



my radass little brother Andy™ is staying the night, and tomorrow we're heading out with my parents to visit our Family To The North. Andy™ and i watched the first half of The Jerk, during which time i spilled crumbs into the crevassesess of the couch, which is my way of marking my new territory. i also peed a little on one of the cushions just so any dogs that happen to visit will know what belongs to me.

p.s. this is the first blog post, but hopefully not the last, where i mention urinating TWO TIMES.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

chiP

this is my nephew, chiP, and i don't think there's anything quite as awesome as his little man-boobs.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

just to clear things up

i know that there have been some rumors about my personal life swirling around both of the internets. i don't normally divulge many aspects of my personal life online, but for this particular matter i'm going to make an exception. i'm here tonight to just cut through the bologna and attempt to set the record straight.

yes, it's true that i once tried to eat a small child while he wasn't looking.

i'd wanna be in the cavalry

i wouldn't say that i'm a lover of horses, and i think that is evidenced by the fact that my last encounter with a horse was a frikandel i had whilst living in the netherlands. however, this truly phenomenal song leads me to believe that if i were to be sent off to war, i would also want to be in the cavalry.

saturday

today started off with such great potential. i woke up at 9:30, all pumped up to get stuff done. i was committed to getting all of my crap finished so that i can have a nice, relaxing evening. this is how the day has progressed so far:

9:30 - exited my slumber, all pumped up

9:30-9:45 - laid there, felt "pumped up" quickly replaced by lethargy

9:45-9:50 - made a cup of herbal tea and a bowl of marshmallow mateys

9:50-10:05 - ate my cereal. slowly.

10:05-10:10 - forced myself to make a list of all the things i need to do today

10:10-present - promptly ignored list, began watching videos my friend sent me of an Asian woman spectacularly folding t-shirts

i'm just as excited as everyone else to see exactly where this day is going to take me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

you growds up and you growds up

being a grown up is the best. i get to do whatever i want, like eat cookies for dinner, stay up as late as i want, and leave the heat off in this frickin' freezing weather because i'm saving my money for ammo.

here's me taking a break from my big research paper.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

marshmallows for lunch

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i have not changed significantly since then





most people have no idea how much i loved atari, how good i was at showing off my legs, how round my stomach was, or how much kelly and i had the same chin, when i was little. hopefully these pictures will put all that to rest.

i'm pretty sure that first sentence had horrific grammar, but i ain't gonna fix it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

the death of TheHolyBeardedOne.com

as i'm sure two or three of you noticed, TheHolyBeardedOne.com no longer exists. it was a tough decision to not renew it, and after having it for 4 years, it's been kind of sad not owning it anymore. i didn't renew it because life is just too busy to maintain it properly - that, and the fact that i spent my $60 for renewal on a hat and marshmallows instead.

that's it for now.