Saturday, August 11, 2012

it's about to get real in here

Sunday, November 20, 2011

i'm back

i have volumes to write, but i'm probably not going to do that. i'm just going to tell you about the time that i went to instacare last week because my throat was seizing up. someone once told me that my arteries were going to seize up because i eat a lot of buttery foods. i assured them that the butter was a blood lubricant which actually made my heart run more efficiently.

the woman working at the front desk made me put on a SARS mask, even though i've never been to china. i asked her if she'd also put one on so that i wouldn't get any more sick, but instead of doing that she just blank stared me until i walked away.



i don't love going to the doctor's office, because i hate hearing bad news. however, when i was called back, the murse seemed extremely capable and inspired me with confidence.

murse: "let's take your temperature (puts the thermometer in my rec - in my ear). 95.1 degrees ... hmmmm ... that can't be right. you'd be dead."

me: (shrug) "i assure you, i'm very much alive."

murse: "let's try it again (puts thermometer in my ear). 95.1 degrees. well, ok."

that was it. no clarification. then he told me i had high blood pressure, and i told him that it's probably because he just told me that i was dead, even though i didn't think i was. and i continue to feel that i am not.

the doctor came in and told me i didn't have strep, that he didn't know what it was, and that if it still hurt in 3 or 4 days to take some antibiotics which he prescribed me.

between the murse's ineptitude and my doctor's apparent lack of knowledge, i was disappointed. that is, until i realized that i had the privilege of paying $158 for services rendered.

i've healed as of this post. my throat no longer silently screams at me when i swallow food/DP, and i was even able to go on a blind date last night. i doubled with a buddy and his wife, and thought that the evening went really well. that is, until dinner finished, we got to the parking lot, started our separate ways to our separate cars, and she said to to my friends "it was really nice meeting you. have a nice rest of your life."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

radness

dear folks, this is going to be my last post for a while. i'm keeping the blog but have some other stuff coming up in the near future which is gonna take away my attention. i am, however, gonna try and find some people to guest post on a broad range of topics to include: woodworking, hand-to-hand combat, the philosophy of law, and steak.

life's been pretty busy the past couple weeks. for one of my finals, my buddy blair and i had to conduct a full trial down at the state courthouse. we got all gussied up and absolutely destroyed the competition. well, except that we lost the case. as my dad (who attended) so eloquently put it: "winning isn't everything. well, except when you go to trial."

the only reason i can come up with as to our loss is that fact that the jurors were biased against handsome, eloquent, and very charming men.



the rest of my finals have been going fairly well, though i never really know how well they've gone until my professors release my grades into the wild. my last exam is tomorrow morning, after which time i plan on doing absolutely nothing - which is similar to what i've been doing in preparation for my last exam.

harriet susan jones joined my sister's family last week, and she's as cute as a button. as i've said before, kelly calls her "hattie" but i call her "hairy." and for that, kelly calls me "an idiot."

hairy's doing well and i'm excited that once school is over i can go down and get to know her better.



yesterday was one of the most deliciously awesome days of my entire life. in the morning, i slept. i slept a lot. when i woke up, i went shooting. i shot a lot. a post-shooting round count showed that blair and i discharged over 650 rounds of ammunition over the course of several hours. it was magnificent and my big bald head got burned. i took pictures and wrote a haiku about shooting.



"shooting"
i did go shooting
i shot a lot of ammo
so did that guy blair

after i went shooting, i took a shower and met up with jeph and brry to go to the Coheed & Cambria concert. it was phenomenal. it was so phenomenal that it made my beard grow twice as fast as normal. it was so phenomenal that i hope to continue the hearing loss i'm currently experiencing, just so i can be reminded of how phenomenal it was. this is me pre-show (i was smiling on the inside):



the concert was part of their Neverender Tour. they played a bunch of songs acoustically, then their entire Second Stage Turbine Blade album from start to finish, and then a bunch of songs afterward. they rocked hard, brry got hit in the head with a shoe, and we went to denny's for chicken fried steak afterward.



that's it. rock on, readers.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

hairy, everyone. everyone, hairy.

she arrived a few days ago, and finally got a name yesterday: harriet susan jones. i told kelly that i was gonna call her "hairy" whether or not she was named "harriet," but "luckily" now her "nickname makes sense." i "love" "quotation marks."""""""""

she's really cute. i was going to try and take a bite of her cheeks, but the nurse threatened to go all Shaking Grown-Up Syndrome on me, so i ceased. for now.



this is now my sister's entire brood:

Monday, April 25, 2011

she's so hot that i had to write a song about how hot she is

when i transferred to the U, i was pleased to find that the law school has its fair share of talent. however, one beautiful baby in particular stood out to me. i've never met her, and we've never spoken, but she's such a babe that i found it necessary to write a song about her.

so this is for you, The Hot Girl. thank you for being so hot.


Monday, April 4, 2011

typical monday night


just sitting around looking distinguished following my dinner with Chief Justice Roberts (of the United States Supreme Court), the Lt. Governor of Utah, and the Utah Attorney General.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

bobby and liv and guns and pizza and tummyaches

bobby and liv are here right now to hang out for a couple of days. liv stuck to her MO the entire drive down and tried to swallow her arm. luckily her fingers and effort were in the way.



i recently acquired some new toys, so bobby and jeph and i took them out to the range to ensure their combat effectiveness. they were very effective in our combat against boulders and clay pigeons.







following our 300+ meter tests with the new weaponry, we headed over to the local pizza buffet for tummy aches and indigestion. kelly and sue and chip and boobie and liv and andy joined us.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

kamo klompen

when i went to the netherlands last summer, i brought back stuff (not including the extra 10 pounds on my tummy) for a couple friends. some of those stuffs were unpainted klompen (wooden shoes) which i had planned to paint with my friend courtney. see, courtney is an amazing artist studying at a prestigious academy, and i figured that she could help me make my klompen awesome.

she did.

we were supposed to paint our respective wooden shoes together, but i'm not good at "following through" or "making plans" or "maintaining friendships," so dear courtney took the initiative (since i dropped the initiative for...oh...8 months) and painted my pair.



that's right. kamo klompen for kme. how awesome is that? (hint: very awesome)

goed gedaan, courtney. je bent een schat!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

i have a new girlfriend


and her name is beautiful

Thursday, March 3, 2011

i do things and sometimes i have pictures to prove it

things are pretty busy right now, so naturally i should ignore the tasks at hand and do something of little consequence - like update my blog.

my buddy blair and i accidentally advanced to the semi-finals of our moot court competition. despite our best attempt at mediocrity, we successfully made it to the next round. this is good (because it'll look sharp on my resume) but bad (because i won't be able to sleep in this saturday). for those that don't know, moot court is a law school competition in which students get up in front of a panel of mock judges and pretend to be really smart. my mom always said that i'm a bad liar, but apparently i've proved otherwise.

boobie had her first birthday and ate it, along with an entire cake. seriously. look at her chubby little everything.



it's so nice to be back in utah. i love that i get to see boobie and chip, and do stuff with them on a regular basis. in fact, chiP and i went to lunch the other day after i took him duck hunting.



i'm also lucky that since i've moved back to utah, jeph, jen, and will have also moved here. the last time i hung out with will, he mostly just wanted to watch youtube videos of automobiles proceeding through car washes. if you can name one thing sweeter than that, i won't punch you in the liver.



and lastly, my pappy and i went to a jazz game a couple weeks ago. in fact, it was when they played the bulls, and it turned out to be Jerry Sloan's last game as head coach. little did i know he was waiting for us to go to a game so that he could call his career complete and move on to the next phase of his life. RIP, J-Slo.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

i'm so freaking famous


the salt lake tribune basically did a human interest piece on me

Monday, January 24, 2011

mentally deficient and/or homeless

winter is my favorite season, because it's cold and i get three weeks off of school. but winter, like everything else in life, creates certain problems. luckily for me, every problem has a solution - except for those problems which aren't solvable (like "why is DP so delicious?" and "why won't that weird rash go away?"). but sometimes solutions create problems, which in turn, need solutions. so here are my problems. and solutions. and a couple of pictures. as well as some white space to help organize my thoughts.

problem: it gets cold during the winter months.
solution: i was born with a heavy body-sweater covering my entire body, which pretty much mitigates this one. especially on my upper back, where the hair flourishes like the salmon at capistrano.

problem: my body-sweater makes me a body sweater.
solution: i wear shorts during the winter to help cool off. wait, i left a preposition at the end of that sentence. i think the proper way to phrase that first sentence is to say: "i wear shorts during the winter off to which i be my body cooling." yeah, that sounds much better.

problem: my feet get cold when i wear shorts, cuz the cold air more easily accesses my feet.
solution: i wear my Sorels with my shorts (and look really good while doing so).

problem: while looking really good with my Sorels and shorts, people such as my mother tell me that i look like i'm mentally deficient and/or homeless
solution: hold boobie and just hope that people notice her instead of me.



p.s. the night this picture was taken, kelly hadn't dressed boobie in winter clothes. she had simply thrown a hat on her, and wrapped her in several layers of blankets. so my homeless image wasn't helped as i pushed a heavily blanket-wrapped infant around in a shopping cart. but holy crap she's the cutest little homeless-looking baby ever.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

i don't have a clever title for this post

i'm at the end of my second week of the new semester, but somehow i'm already almost a month behind. my classes are all pretty interesting, and i signed up with a buddy for moot court and trial advocacy. both of those classes culminate in "trials" where we have to deliver oral arguments to a judge. this is perfect for me right now, because it's been a while since i've looked like an idiot in front of someone important.

i get to babysit chiP and boobie tonight. for Christmas i gave kelly and kelly's nate movie tickets and a coupon to babysit. i thought that they knew gifts like that take - at a minimum - six months to vest. but they got off on a technicality (in that i don't have anything to do this evening). and really, who WOULDN'T want to watch these two?



i just hope that the frontyard hose makes it into the kitchen in case i have to "change diapers."

in closing...i was talking with someone a while ago and said "you know how sometimes you're laying in your bed, on your side, and it's uncomfortable, but you're too lazy to roll over to the other side to get comfy?" i was met with raised eyebrows and an awkward silence. it was then that i realized i might be only person who knows that.

until next time, fair reader, i bid you a doo. nay, i bid you two doos.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

my run-in with the law

about a month ago, i went to my evidence class as per usual. when i got to the room, it was swarming with US Marshals and dudes in suits. my evidence professor is a judge, so i thought that either someone had threatened him in some way, or the marshals were there to pick me up for looking so good that it broke some federal law.

when i got to the door, one of the marshals had a roll for our class, and next to each person's name was their picture. the guy asked me my name, i told him, and when he found my name/picture, he said, "i'm going to draw hair on your picture," and then he proceeded to do so. i thought "i'm gonna punch you in the throat," but just said "ok" and walked into class.

once everyone was there, including The Hot Girl, the professor explained that he wanted to show all of us an in limine hearing (where opposing sides of a lawsuit meet so the judge can determine what evidence is admissible). he said it was too hard to get everyone down to the courthouse, so he brought the courthouse to us. sure enough, the stenographer, clerks, US Attorneys, and even the actual defendant (in handcuffs) and his counsel were there - along with the US Marshals. i had hoped that Raylan Givens would show up, but he didn't.

the judge explained what was going to happen, and before we began, he gave the head US Marshal the floor to explain a few things. i had seen this guy and a couple of his comrades eyeballing me as the judge was telling us what was going on. i figured it was because i was the best-looking person in the room, but it might have also been the beard, shaved head, tattoos, and stickers on the back of my computer:



so the marshal got up and explained that he and his coworkers were indeed US Marshals, that the guns they had were real, and that if we reached into our bags or made any strange movements, they would respond according to their training. at that point, this marshal looked at me directly and said, "and i've got my eyes on you, guy with the My Other Auto Is A .45 sticker." everyone laughed, except my beard, who growled and tried to get me to pop the guy in the nose.

after the hearing, the marshal (who had sat directly behind me for the duration) came up, apologized, and said that he just couldn't help himself when he saw the sticker. he shook my hand and gave me this:



that's right, i am now in possession of an official US Marshals lapel pin. and while i don't have my JD yet, i'm fairly certain that by giving me this, he deputized me and i'm entitled to all the rights and responsibilities of a US Marshal. giddy up.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

egg droppings

a couple weeks ago we went to brooklyn's school to watch her class do an egg-drop. for those of you not familiar with this, it involves dropping eggs.



the kids all packaged up an egg in different types of soft materials, and then a teacher tossed their work off the roof to see if it would hold up to a speedy impact with Mother Earth.

i'm glad that our schools are teaching our children useful lessons that will prepare them for real life. not only did they discover how to securely package eggs (which will be handy for those that are able to break into utah's highly praised egg-packaging industry), but they learned that it's ok to climb up onto the roof as long as you're gonna throw something off.



brooklyn's survived the fall (of course).



boobie was kind of lazy during the whole thing and just sat around being chubby. she didn't cheer, she didn't scream, and she didn't even bother to clap when brooklyn was up. i swear, all that kid does is eat and sleep. and look super duper cute.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

chiP and boobie

i'm being seriously when i say that there is nothing cuter than these two monkeys.


i got to babysit chiP today for a couple hours while kelly was doing something that was more important than being with her kids. we went to costco for pizza, and on the way there he kept saying "i need costco pizza. i NEED costco pizza." he loved it, and also ate half of my churro.

after lunch we went to andy's office, where chiP trick-or-trat amongst the offices. he didn't have on his costume (a spider, which is what he's gonna don tomorrow), but he was wearing an adidas track suit so i just told people he was dressed as half of Run DMC.

i took him home, where he proudly told his mom "candy. candy. candy. candy." his jacket had pockets, as did his pants, and his brain was moving so quickly at the prospect of immediate sugar that he couldn't locate said candy. we finally got it out of the jacket, and he began to consume it as if it was the last act on earth he was ever going to perform. he was halfway into a lemon tootsie roll when he ran across the room, climbed onto my lap, and tried to share with me the slobber-encased remains of what was left. i politely declined, but thanked him for his offer. it was really cute, but mostly kind of gross.

and i got to see boobie, who is just getting cuter and cuter urry day. kbye.